BACK to school!

(and STAY THERE If ye know what’s good for ye!)  So…I registered my teen for her final year in high school.  Naturally, we get there and the fire alarm was prank pulled so people were evacuating…nice one)

Ok and we were arriving there from that driver services DMV place.  We’re going to just continue driving, on a permit basis with a parent, for now. Her turning into oncoming traffic on a divided highway with me not only gave me more white hairs, but had me thinking she needs to hit the books.  At least I leaned over and saved us…(see she hasn’t been putting in the effort but that comes with small amounts of it every day, which she’s now learned…YAY!)

I’m in line, hanging out, people watching …  Goodness 18 years takes it’s toll on parents!  I’m actually a bit stunned at that.  I think many were just zapped by the suns rays or sucked into a vortex-becoming a part of an experiment that went overly wrong, or visited by other beings entirely.  I WAS excited at least two parents were new moms again (isn’t fortysomething magical!??).   These are my generation!  SURVIVORS!  Of what, we may never know…However I’m among them and I’m proud to still have most of my teeth!

So today I’m grateful.  Humbled parental moment while driving (listening to Green Day’s “I hope you have the time of your life”) and realizing, for my teen, that the very thrilling years of her life are about to begin.  Something, begins-which would be her… as something ends-which would be me.  Mind you I’m not being morose, just hyper aware.  (Does yoga/fitness do that??)  So in a few days my teen embarks on her first solo flight (with those stopover and change plane things).  I think the luggage piece alone, that I gave her made her completely horrified.  (HEY, it’s badass black with compartments!) She realized I was serious…
Firey me- “you need to pack LIGHT sweetie!”
Just as firey, teen-“But, I have shoes I was going to bring and outfits!”
Firey me-  “yes…well mix and match,” I say.

She realized I wasn’t kidding when I walked away.  (giving time for this to absorb and by the end of that night she was fully packed in said small suitcase) Naturally, she doesn’t leave for 3 more days…haha.

So…while many of you are bemoaning the frustrations of “back to school” from shopping to traffic, remember parents…this…is the good stuff.  You’ll miss it when it’s gone one day.



From the outside looking in…

I don’t see many people like me out there…s i g h, IF I do we hit if off into friendship quickly dickly like.  (which is fine I’ll just keep on keepin’ on until then, I’ll keep looking!)


How did I know I was a Domme? Funny thing happened on the commute home from work one day…(23 years ago about this time of year, actually).  I heard this song on the radio… NIN, Closer.


Now do know I don’t go around obsessing on memories or thoughts or all that.  (Some of us are far too busy for that sort of stuff).  The thing as you get older is that no one prepares you for flash thoughts or instant memories you completely forgot were there.  This is often triggered by a smell or a sound…or a sight..   So…as I was driving today, and this song just flew onto the radio.  (which I’ve forgotten was in my play list for working out for a few years).  *turns it to eleven* What it did was transport me.  I forgot the heat, I forgot the year, I didn’t feel the sweat on my skin, I forgot my problems, I forgot my goals, and I just ….became the music.  I’m certain you may relate.

So at that particular time I was in full withdrawl from my recent…er…incident with rope when I was 21 (without a safe word that left me a bit…frozen in time, for about 16 years).  No no no!  NOT from sex.  From submitting 🙂  So what did I do about it?  I dove into the BDSM world through books.  Beyond Masters and Johnson and that joy and new of sex books. Exploring…Sexual Deviance, Deviant Behavior, the story of O, The Sleeping Beauty Trilogies (to name a few).  This helped me cope while my mother (whom was battling the mother of all battles…her very mind and, eventually, lost this battle within a few months).

Anyway to stay on topic…I was also venturing downtown Chicago to the “house of whacks” a fetish/latex shop and expressing an interest in dripping candle wax on my husband.  I just took over everything!  Especially things in the bedroom.  Blindfolds, saran wrap…handcuffs…rope…and I wanted to do more. More harm.   I wanted to inflict pain and prolong his pleasure (for not just hours on end ….but days). Nevermind my wardrobe became a bit darker in color.  I took over everything in my life.  That particular year I asked for 3 raises and got them.  I stopped taking shit.  I gave orders and I ruled my kingdom.  I was unable to feel humiliated when there was a mix up at the video store and the clerks forgot to give me my gay/bdsm porn that I’d just rented.  (at the time my husband traveled extensively).  I owned up to the fact that I enjoyed watching people…and that I was very much into self pleasure. I also got my first belly button piercing 😀

Dominatrix is a strong word…Tho I don’t recommend becoming an executrix of your grandfathers will by age 27, I do recommend exploring your inherent nature.  I didn’t know I was an alpha female..not until I was in my 30’s.  whoops…


My naked time is for your safety!  (as well as my alone time) I don’t know…there’s just something about sans clothing!  Perhaps it’s because I reside closer to the equator.  I mean, I don’t do the nekked thing socially, it’s just for myself!  (ok and my guy) But really…it’s to also check in with myself.  What’s morphed? What new muscles have developed?  Why does gravity exist again? Where did those muscles go that were there 6 months ago, type of thing.  I think, it’s a good thing to care about ones self, see.  (I know I certainly admire a nice physique male or female at the gym, at a Bdsm event, at a burlesque show or at a local coffee shop) I’m not blind, so far, and it’s human nature to notice really nice looking beings.  Bit squirmy if they notice you back, but still…I figure I’m alive, I might as well act it.  So embrace your inner nudist, I say!   You may feel sexier for it! (even if you don’t look in a mirror often, as I don’t!)

[rez-uh-rek-shuh n]

1) the act of rising from the dead.
2) a rising again, as from decay, disuse, etc.; revival.

Over and over again.
Oh, hello, again!  Miss me?  I’ve not forgotten about this space.  I’ve just not felt much like writing, if anything, have I had very little time!  The last year, my life has blasted at warp speed!  Something happens when you focus on intention and meditate and grow.  Grow as a person. I now have a fitness business, oh and that thriving international kink business, I manage!  KNOTKNORMAL.COM (go on, Get ya some quality jute, rope!) I’ve also taught so very many classes regarding  Bdsm (101, kink 2.0, connectivity in rope) and SEXERCISE!   I find I’m most comfortable teaching.

Sharing, my thoughts is not easy.  It tends to bear ones soul.  I am the most introverted, mild-spazztic-energetic extrovert you may mistakenly meet!

So…writing, blogging and such…I’ve seen so many really just gushing.  I rather admire how you do  (go Y O U,  gushers!)  Yet our society today, is a bit harsh!  (you all know what I mean).  I unplug these days.  Switch off, so I can really turn ON.  Yet…this is a side of myself I need to figure out again, connect with.  A few years ago I preferred this method of communication.   Just now, I feel as if I have two thumbs on one hand and a hook in the other.

I’ve offed Kevin, the long distance Master.  Whoops.  See, I started to value myself and value the ones who truly seemed to take and make time for me.  Actions, they say, never fail when words may be all you read or hear.  So I’ve come to admire those who follow through with what they say they will do.  Who not…just care, but show it.  Day in and day out without fail!  Those people blow my mind in ways I’ve not allowed myself to realize.

I love this lesson.  It’s one of the tougher ones because it’s one we really don’t get to really see until our eyes are truly opened.  Connecting with ourselves aids in this.  Is it human nature to take things for granted?  Absolutely.  Yet it is our efforts, those around us who care for us and our own personal knowledge of our hearts that allow us to come back to ourselves.  Also loss…the loss of a loved one tends to trigger things.

So the question I pondered and realized, is that… If we were ALL blind, how beautiful would a person, really be?  On the inside?  Ergo ego.  If all that is stripped away, what would you be left with?

I smile now.  Because I see.  Because I am grateful.  Because I cannot wait for what the future brings in my path.  I’ve never felt so filled up on the inside, in my life.  I thought I was before…but that is nothing compared to when you let it all go.  What flows in, is magic!


Famous last words…

The psychology of the D/s-/M/s headspace astounds me. Especailly it’s impact on MY brain! Why did I go down this sub path again???

So I’ve been in “Dom” mode for a bit (a bit could mean months and I care not to discuss how long however I’m AWARE of this!). Actually, I’m a Dominant in my daily life all the time and I suppose what I’m trying to say is I haven’t hit subspace in a bit or gotten into a head space where I need to tap into my subbytart role. Stuff builds up I notice…and I can’t let it go alone. (I find this is why I crave to let go and what transpires when I do may result in; shaking, shuddering and crying and release basically and I’m NOT talking about orgasms). I empty out everything.  Sure I could go take another hot yoga class…but that…is not what I really crave. I’m a bit of a masochist so I crave…something entirely different.

I need to slink into sub mode for starters.  Which really is very much a mental exercise for me. Bdsm IS 75% mental afterall. This is NOT an easy switch for me to do (aka why I’m not a switch). This begins…by my putting my sub self on my to do list.  *Don’t forget* think like a sub today!  I generally get into sub mode for a Bdsm event or accidentally by something my Dominant or Master suggests. Naturally I fight that off but the seed has been planted by then. I cannot …deny a direct order or direct statement. Which is fucking annoying!   Oddest thing I’ll notice that too when my Dominant tends to give me a casual command/order (aka something he needs done) and I find I’ve done it. Just off the cuff, FUCK! That slipped right by me! My that was effective…I need this sub side to tap into see so I can teach objectively.  Without being slanted to one side.  (yin and yang okay) My job when I teach is NOT to recruit people.  It’s merely to let them know about our lifestyle it’s their choice if they wish to pursue it further (and if my passion for it happens to eeek out while I’m teaching that isn’t my fault…that’s my subby tart side saying “it’s okay to play, if you play with someone you trust they will keep you safe” – You can come out now!)

So when I began my journey well over two decades ago, I was arguing with a man who, eventualy, won my heart.  So…in the initial stages of “Do I get involved” stuff was tricky.  Lots of negotiations really based on do I don’t I take things further.  (basically he was trying to get me to go out with him on a more permanent basis). I simply argued “I just don’t wanna be tied down” (never go down without a good fight, I say. Hell I analyse everything so be prepared to have a very good debate when dealing with me making any decision based on any romantic involvement you dare to try to have with me.) This was before I knew I was into Bdsm, I just felt any involvement with anyone was going to distract me. Anyway his immediate response was “I’m not into bondage.”

Right. Well…okay if you say so.
Fast forward twenty something years…. with this same mancover2
Model: Trillium, Rigger: Knotknormal, Photographer: Tsmobscura  (hey…that’s ME!)
Rope by: – shibari rope shop

This may give you insight into my soul (or give me insight into …my stubborn nature) With time anything is possible, but ONLY if you’re persistent enough.

How can you not be affected?


Sending much hope, courage and light to the families of the victims of the attack in France.  This part of civilisation really sucks.  How are we to evolve?  Why do senseless acts of violence need to occur? How can we help?  Questions I’m sure more than millions are asking.  I suppose being thankful for where we are is a start, yet we still have much further to go.  So we battle to get somewhere…based on where we are in our lives…who we believe in, to be heard, to change something.

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate…Returning violence for violence multiples violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness;only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: Only love can do that.”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.


who’s there?
Butch, Jimmy, and Joe.
Butch, Jimmy, and Joe who?
Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a big hot kiss, and let’s Joe!

That’s right and don’t forget it!  I’m BACK and yep it’s been awhile (which happens) I get pulled in a load of directions so I have to pull focus elsewhere.  Yet…my kink side has been coming back into focus fully so here I am, sharing!

First off the BDSM 101 class I taught last June was a roaring success.  Actually, I had such fun I lost track of time.  (I only had a 15 page outline to cover…) I think what stunned me most were the responses I had in messages days later thanking me for getting some folks who were ready to jump into the scene from point A. to point B. (where they needed to be) safely.  I’ve been hooked ever since teaching something here or there monthly!

I’d also have to say this has been a transformative year for me in a teaching capacity.  One I’d not expected to actually impact not only my levels of confidence but my ablility to be humbled and surprised by people.  Fortunately I keep it real there and choose not to let my ego become larger than life.  I’ve also fallen into studying philosophical Taoism while I am working on the rope business stuff.

It’s funny how things come together.  When you let go of chasing after something and you think your headed in one direction you suddenly find yourself swimming against a current!  Letting things happen, going with the flow and then acting upon these happenings, positively, make for a more enriching experience!

I’ve now been teaching yoga (and other fitness classes) for a year.  I dislike calling myself a yogi, as I consider myself to always be a student of life.  I’ve launched a fitness business, and it’s one I control in terms of how much I can offer class wise, my time invested and how badly I need to busy myself.  Being busy is a good thing…it keeps us out of trouble.  Yet it can also be bad when you are so busy you realize you no longer really take any time away from life and the last vacation you had was over 9 years ago.

So, for me, teaching BDSM classes I find I feel rather fullfilled in a way I’ve never thought was imaginable.  I’m at an age where there’s this midlife factor and yes I’ve thought of all sorts of scenarios in terms of where I’d like to head in life and if I’d like to perhaps add more children to my tiny little family.  Travel?  Settle down?  (Can I settle down??) I’ve had a lot to reflect on including a small detour I took down a polyamorous path that tasted funny and literally rubbed my conscious the wrong way so I opted out! (YAY, me!)

What can I see myself doing in 10 years basically.  I like goals.  They taste good…  One thing I DO know is that I cannot seem to stop exploring this lifestyle in life.  I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge especially in all things related to BDSM.  Much like teaching a sequence of poses in yoga, you focus on one area…yet you’ll find when you go back to exploring, say on the floor vs. standing postures you’re a bit shaky and weaker, and cannot stretch as far.  I think BDSM is like that too!   (Perhaps life is like that if you bend and flex enough).  You have to get out of your comfort zone to do such things of course.  Often our thoughts revolve around our little world we create and it’s inhabitants.  Family, work and “me” time type of stuff that’s an endless cycle and circle of the same nonsense.  WE have it within ourselves to explore and think about everything!  Why do we keep thinking about our Parents or Uncle Tim’s wife or our sister not calling weekly?!

My new mantra for the year “Not my circus, not my monkey’s”. (feel free to borrow and share).  When we let go and hop off the merry-go-round and take time out for ourselves we can see better!  How does one begin?  By doing something you love…for yourself.  That’s it, all you need to do to begin.  I’m not talking about deciding to sing in your car…but go join an art class or dance class or choir!  Meeting new people and taking time to do something we enjoy allow us to become inspired.  Of course if you are not feeling like being social getting out for a walk is a great way to begin. (small steps of course) Just be warned…it’s very exciting when you do head out into to the unknown.  As much as it can be frustrating it’s very exhilarating (and scary and fun) but since it’s something you love you’ll be fine.  You really will!
Ready?  set…..

Droppin’ my (Holy Fuck ,I’m teaching BDSM solo) like it’s hot!

So I am not your average 40 something Mom of a teenager. I tried that once, and it was the most boring years of my life.  White picket fence and everything!  Rather than go into “it’s all about me-listen to me, me, me!” mode (and I’m actually one of those people that doesn’t like discussing myself) I’m just going to write about the direction I’ve fallen into now.  (Which, really, feels as if it’s a natural progression).  So yes, this blog is about the odd uncanny directions and such about my life, or life in general and the universe I inhabit.  We really are all connected.  I am humbled about the “me” mumbo jumbo, let’s expand the topic.  So what am I really writing for…. personal connectivity?  relativity?  Is this normal or insanity? Purposes and mostly to just get stuff out of my head and if others have a laugh or may feel inspired by whatever I fling onto this site, I’m all the more thrilled for it.  Sharing is caring after all.

I’m kind of… very much involved in BDSM.  (still and 20 some years later!!)  I’m happy to point folks in directions, corrupt vanillas and inspire new kinks, if not offer up safe and mostly sane advise.  I regularly teach with my partner, and Dominant (Knot Knormal) at sex toy shops, Dungeon workshops and more regularly, at our rope group meet up monthly.  Then there’s the sexercise classes I’ve been teaching, I’m a certified yoga instructor.   I teach Yoga and Pilates regularly, between two large cities.  Aside from that I’m ever a student, myself of BDSM (and yoga and life).  There’s always stuff to know.  In going back to BDSM there’s dynamics and protocols and challenging viewpoints or fetishes to explore, old guard or new guard; not to mention getting safe and proper information out there for folks to play safely.  I’m a proponent of safety, especially in this lifestyle.  People fascinate me and that just adds more fuel to this fire of mine.  SO!  I’m to teach to a vanilla crowd this Friday!  Come to the dark side….we have better sex!  I mean, cookies!

[BDSM for Beginners

Friday, July 10, 2015 – 7 pm
Imagine living your whole life never being adventurous enough to discover your favorite food! Many couples find their sex lives getting repetitive and stale without exploration. In this class we’ll explore a little bit of BDSM for those who are inexperienced or curious about it.

In addition to enhancing sexual and erotic collaboration, Dominance and submission (D&s) can play another very important role in our lives. In the “real world” beyond fetish, we encounter ourselves in D&s-like situations every day. BDSM scenarios are one of the few opportunities we have in life to explore, on our own terms.

Join us for “BDSM for Beginners” with the fiery sub Scarlett, who started out as a Domme 20 years ago in the lifestyle! Learn how it works in a safe environment, discover what you like, and learn to alter or halt the situation if you choose. We can even do some onsite role-playing with those who volunteer! Come buy a blindfold to experience a little extra sensation from Scarlett during class.]

NOW….would you take this class?  I would take this class.  The thing is I have to teach it and I really don’t want to overwhelm people with the mundane or USUAL methods of attending a class, because your ass could get numb from sitting too long.  Therefore, I’m creating a few diversions.  You have to connect to people after all most folks won’t reach out to you (I was one of those quiet students that did NOT look at the teacher when called upon to answer a question….unless I was right of course however I was often the one daydreaming).   Some teachers won’t really actually engage you.  I’m not one of those teachers… I will engage.  You will like engaging.  You will want more engagement.  (I only know this because I know how I DO NOT wish to teach).  Additionally I wish to succeed in my task.  So…I put tremendous pressure upon myself to deliver.  Even if it’s just making a recipe for the first time. (We love type A personalities).

So…my thoughts, in closing for today, are for possibilites.  Let’s raise our tea cups to Possibility!  I like the ring to the word and the hiss of the “s”.  This…is the good stuff.

Onward ~ In the direction of your dreams!

What am I doing besides supergluing my fingers together, accidentally, while trying to repair a broken piece on ear buds? (…and dancing about? and doing my hair? and there’s now hair attached to my super glued fingers) I’m processing….

The “Four hour body, an uncommon guide” book I’d listening to while I work singing rope….has me thinking. ( Primarily is that it takes something to seriously set us off in order to make a change. A Harajuku moment it’s called….basically this the moment where something nice to have becomes something you can’t live without.

Obviously I had one last year a week after my starfire teen’s birthday. It went beyond depression. Went beyond my not having my Master in my life.  It went beyond my divorcing and attempts at striving.  My brother whom I’d helped (and kicked out of the nest) wouldn’t talk to me (of course he wouldn’t) I was a horrible sister, how could I!  When, really, it’s his own actions and fault…(luckily he’s been on his own since but still…my personal actions and words stung him).

So when you don’t have a mom, as she’s long passed away, as an older sister you become “Mom”.   He’s turned thirty now he should be on his way to finding his bearings.  My sister got a bit strange on me too and said our visit left her with a funny taste in her mouth.  She needed to distance herself from me. (which was news to us three who drove 17 hours to hang out, you know after 6 years). Nevermind my sister and I have always always always had a strange relationship, She’d conveniently take my panties and never return them when we lived together long ago.  (I had really cool panties).  Top that off all the jobs I’d applied for just were not really coming into anything…then I’d gotten terrible food poison. A blood and kidney infection resulted. I’d lost hope.. I’d lost my sense of self and I knew I was far more capable…

Only then could I decide to make a drastic change. No one told me to. No one pointed me in any direction.  I haven’t stopped moving ever since. I said “fuck it and fuck everyone and the horse they rode in on”. I figured after I blew up and came back together…if I came back together, whoever still managed to be about….would, indeed, be about.

What I didn’t quite prepare for is that I’ve gotten a strange following of people who not only left at some point but doubted me (on my nila side anyway) so not only do I seem to have their appreciation but others who’s seemed to look to me now….for some sort of “I’ll have what she’s having.”

The thing is…again, I can only do so much for people. It’s work and it’s not easy and it is messy and you will move two steps forward but fall down and take three steps back. The thing is you can’t stop moving. Not for one minute. (you *can* take a few hours max to nap) There’s no time for not moving …There’s a ton of life ~ in life. It’s meant to be lived and explored not wasted. I still have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m headed but I’m not stopping.