I can’t just now.

Sometimes I simply feel overwhelmed…and I need a tractor with a serious engine.  This too shall pass.   Because I know that it will.  I take comfort in knowing that my Kev seems to oddly still love me….and that the weather fascinates me and charges me and….oooh cooking I’m good at that!  I’m still horny as hell.

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Grrrrr

Issues…not the easiest to deal with just now, family member – my brother wanted by the IRS….my X (or shall I call him xx??)  is having legal issues he’s messed with the State of Texas (TXDOT) and well that’s gonna cost him and home management issues (I’m so taking that stuff over)

I DO worry about his reaction to all of this. oh godohgodohgod he’s going to be crabby.  However surely he’ll blame me of course.   As he always does.

Meanwhile I’m looking for anything!!!  TO help take the edge off of him yelling at me about not having a job.  It’s not my fault my company had to let me go they were struggling financially afterall.  Fingers crossed – hoping for a better day.  I know this too shall pass.

 

Let the sunshine in

So….I’m having trouble with ….all this odd inner focus.  I can only take it in small doses you know.  Otherwise for some reason I feel strangely self absorbed and its just not me.  I’m trying.   Bear with me.   SO because of that I need to be flippant, not take things so seriously because I am…indeed quite serious!

It’s been a week since I’ve laughed tho.  I DO need to cut loose and do that more.  I do it easy enough, usually my kiddo gets me going…that belly laugh hardcore stuff is what makes my day when life isn’t always ideal.  I put blinders on then and like some sort of charged wound up toy I go!!!!!!!

On an interesting note today is the first time I’m trying restaurant food.  NO I won’t be doing this often.  I asked for a plain hamburger (MOVIE TIME!!! envisioning Sally now from when Harry met….) everything on the side, no salt pepper or otherwise.  “You don’t have msg in that do you?”, I say.   “Well we put the seasoning with that on the fries” says restaurant guy.   “You sure? ask your manager now, I have an intolerance- actually I get food poisoning from it” I say …(yes sometimes I give orders) So bare plain hamburger for me on a multigrain bun mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! meat! (I don’t eat beef at all normally)

Wild!!!  So restaurant places just do that…season your food, make it up not tell you what’s in it.  Here is last nights fruit salad in your morning juice.  Yet the ketchup and mustard packets have listed ingredients…meanwhile I found this!

http://www.truthinlabeling.org/

Movin’ and Groovin’

I don’t know why I question so much. Why I push myself to think and try different things.  I think it’s because I’m determined not to be in some ‘pre-existing’ role. I don’t want to be in a compartment or labeled. Because of this I’m content being different on many levels.  Because a decade ago I recall being just the epitome of social acceptance (before I outed myself on fb accidentally whoops) Martha Stewart meets Cher (I was a quiet Cher).  I remember feeling so very lonely.  I had absolutely everything, and yet nothing.   Such an empty feeling that was.  Being accepted in my family (not known as the black sheep #2) Being involved in the community, at my kiddos school, a successful gardening/event planning business, Working at the YMCA with the director of public relations, became a personal trainer…looking at becoming a pilates instructor.  God the exhaustion of trying to be normal.  Yet in my car, or heading out dancing I broke free so very hard.

I’m most happy now having it all blown up. 🙂  Because you know what?  Been there, done that and it’s sooooo not me.

I do get this …sort of often.

Interesting to see it on Fet now…too.  This makes me smile from the inside out.  I’m glad someone can possibly be having a better day for something I’ve posted or written about.

subject:  I love your profile

princess-s********* 41F
new message
written about 1 hour ago:

You speak to so many of my own thoughts and feelings. Just interested in a friend who understands as most of mine are vanilla and can’t understand my more private side.

You pathetic selfish unsympathetic cunt who gives up – that one time

Yes I’m talking about me.  I’m talking about my leaving.  I’m just now cleaning out some of the pantry and found a Christmas box my X was supposed to send off to my daughters best friend who left (and will return March 2013)  because he didn’t send it on time….there were valentines in there too.  Just left….on the top shelf.  “Dad…please send this to D***”  one childs small request to let her friend know she’s thought of.  So I feel raw and unworthy of…..much just now.  All because of the contents of a box this has so much emotion hitting me.

I know that’s not my fault but part of me feels responsible.  You know when I did leave both of them were so very dependent upon me.  I turned a blind eye to their needs, as I did leave. Fuck it.  I said and I just never looked back.  Focusing intently then on my daughter.

I think my emergency surgery last December shook me.  I also realized I’d been emotionally numb for nearly 2 months when I moved out October 1.  I didn’t like my X in fact I loathed him then.  X spiraling all over he was instantly trying to date, chastising me for going into the emergency room when I could have gone to a med clinic (why to be transported then to the emergency room?)  Something wasn’t right.  The fighting had about died down then….finally after that experience.

My getting a second job a week later so I could begin focusing on my future and dreams seemed very bright and promising.  The weeks that had followed I don’t ….think I’ve ever worked so hard in my life.  I worked on Christmas day and New Years day….why I had nothing better to do.  My daughter would have been better off being around some kind of family where I’d been too busy to make new friends.

Her Christmas….was dreadfully sad.  The tree, the cats kept getting into (they were here only solace when I was away) Her Dad went to the crossing on New Years Eve.  That night for my daughter and me was monumental.  Beautiful and I will cherish that always.  Especially having My K with me keeping in touch.  That was the Best New Years ever.  Also my daughter expressed a primary interest in living with me alone.

I’ve got work to do. I’d realized.  Because now my dream of perhaps travelling would have to be put on hold and I’d have to support a teenager with a mediocre job.  So I started looking for a new one.  About a week later my job at a water lark was terminated.  My boss to say the least didn’t like the idea of me working two jobs because he felt I didn’t want to be at the water lark anymore.  Since I was coming up on being with the company a year and was about to receive an annual review with what should have been a spectacular raise as I’d been the transportation department manager that entire summer (which wasn’t my job btw) amid odd political chaos and hiring and firing of that manager a month after I’d started..That very water lark made a political decision to quietly ask me to leave.  I was devastated.   That was not an easy thing to experience.  Never in my life had I gone thru something like that.  Luckily my second job stepped up and said HEY we’ll increase your hours.  SO that sort of worked out and 2 weeks later I’d gotten a raise, with a new position.  I was to work night shift at the resort.  Only the problem there was I made 1.00 less an hour than I did at the water lark, and I wasn’t quite getting  40 hours a week.  So I was struggling seriously financially.  Plus that all made training for my little 5 k difficult.  But did I let it get me down? No….If anything I was revved up.  Got my daughter involved in my race I was running in February, we ran it together.  It was then I had seen a small change in her…and in myself…and in my X.  He came to watch us run, on his own.

Admiration came about….THEY admired ME?!  They looked at me with a new pair of eyes.  They wanted what I had.  Attitudes changed and I gave them a little of what I had.  I began going back to the house weekly then, tidying up the serious mess.  I didn’t see all of this at the time…I just constantly saw more work to be done.

The end of March brought about even more change as I was faced with HAVING to move back onto day shifts, and getting my hours cut.  As this was around the time of my daughters birthday I made the decision then to quit my job, without having a back up to jump to. Or I’d miss my daughters birthday actually.  They had me working all Spring break.  SO with chatting to X to gather some financial support, I did.   That brought about a whole new fun journey of being unemployed for three and a half stupid months.  OH I’m…just super at making a mess of things.  I do know that from being out on my own.  Whereupon x became my Pet….how that shifted I have no idea…I think we were both really lonely. (okay and we always had explosive nonvanilla sex)

So for now I focus still on more change.  The challenges it brings and the experiences to be.Yes they’ve changed too as I have in a years time.  I have no idea how My Kev’s managed to stay with me thru all of this, I think I surely would have blown up somehow.   I thank you for your unfaltering love, wisdom and encouragement and for most of all believing in me when I couldn’t.

REPORT *insert blasted and horrid in front*

1. What are your strengths you have discovered THIS WEEK (don’t do a general list…too long)
2. What do you perceive to be your weaknesses/wrong thinking/personality flaws THIS WEEK only (these may have manifested all your life, but this week is what you are really focusing on example: “I always get the short end of the stick as far as being “the responsible parent” so perhaps the flaw would be: martyrdom…guilt, codependence, or lack of negotiating skills and/or will to effect a change…take your pick if any fit) This was just an example to kind of set you on the right track as far as thinking about you…and doing some honest self assessment. After both the strengths and weaknesses give a BRIEF example of how that particular strength or weakness manifested.
3. What have you learned

Strengths:
1. Apparently when I write it begets more writing.  I find I may look forward to it especially if I’m awake at 3am and I’m mentally writing in my head.  UGH but then I need to go do this again later lol.
2. I’m stronger than I think I am
3. I am busy
4. I am interesting, I should remember that.
5. I like sex I prefer to be having it WITH someone

Weaknesses
1. I don’t know they were a week ago must I reflect?  I prefer to move forward.  Ummm. I have tons of weaknesses I need to ask for help more.  Then actually not do whatever I asked before its gotten a chance to get done.
2. I like sex and I really want my ass thrashed I need a pain fix.
3. I don’t have enough confidence in myself.  Rather not elaborate I’d just prefer to fix that.
4.  I don’t like reflecting on myself.  But it’s interesting…I do like getting stuff out.  I don’t like reflecting on me.  I am a giver.  Why do you think becoming a slave has it’s appeal?  The challenge 🙂

What I have learned:
1. I need to slow the fuck down I’m getting my pain fix but its in the form of sciatic agony.
2. I can only do so much with what I have with where I’m at just now.
3.  Affirmations…written and verbalized WILL help me, stfu Tami just keep doing what your doing.
4. I’m hungry for more in every aspect of my life

Feel my temperature rising….

I’m busy.  I’ve decided I need to be.  Filled with sunblock, fireants…wasps…bees and odd things that bounce into me.  I’ve left a serious dent leaving my x.  As he’s off on a trip….I can only say that I’ve work to do.   Cripes it astounds me what men will neglect (in x’factors case he’s been occupied at my allowance….ffs he keeps heading out to rope gals) ha ha…as I assume the responsible parent role. I’ve confronted him as he has double standards.  ….I dislike men for that.  They need to know that I’m worth far more.

On a random note I have ZERO interest in becoming a swinger.   It’s not my thing I don’t need to seek something I am missing.  I’m filled up.  If not by two men than by myself alone.

AS for swingers….Wow….I find the swinger club I ended up in, after asking 50 questions, they have lack in morals to be worse than a poly lifestyle.    Perhaps I’m picky….oh and oooh so worth it.