Life IS about expression

Yet another quote that speaks to me. “There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.” ~ Martha Graham

Whirlwind of a weekend filled with BDSM kinky Halloween fetish fuckery.  I love this time of year.  I love the dress up, the parties, the mingling.  What I don’t appreciate so much is the snipe groping?   What….where did that come from and why? I wasn’t talking to that guy overly at all, beside saying hi again.   Hmmm.  Thing is there’s rules my lovelies in this lifestyle.  Shape up or get kicked out.  Of course I addressed the groper, in my own way I do like to handle such things myself privately.  If my warning goes unheeded, as he’s blocked now after receiving my note, I’ll send him to the hounds!  That or I need yet another protector.  (I could use a few good men…preferably with biceps and bulk and…)

All that aside I had a lovely weekend.  Busy but yet difficult and I don’t wish to elaorate on the difficult.  MSG poison CURSE YOU!!!!  Needless to say my Saturday was not a fun one.

Meanwhile I was able to recover (not a record rate by any means) well enough but hitting Temple late Sunday helped!  Ahhhh the joys of being among my fellow kinksters and BDSM Community…I’m in my element ensconced within the walls of music, bdsm scening, darkness, amazing costumes, oh and half naked people.  I do love Halloween, moreso this time of year.

On a side note…it’s been two years now officially since I’ve said yes, I’ll have you give it a go….Master… My Sir.   That is a momentous occasion….he’s the one that stuck – stunned – shocked and left me in awe.  Man did I become unglued quick sitting where I was.  I have done so very much, in knowing this man.  Sometimes he wow’s me.

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THIS …is not normal.

This is a rare event people.   My x is …practicing and desperate.  I was helping him ffs he was using his own leg.  I felt compelled to help the man.  My leg here now feels like a weapon.  I could take out anyone’s head that is near me within 2 feet.  Trust me….This will happen.

So I don’t like rope.  It’s itchy too.  I don’t understand it… IT TAKES FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!  I don’t know how people can relax with it (I have my magazine and phone present while he was busy until I looked at this and began freaking out).  I’m sorry…I’m just not that kind of gal.  Luckily my Master is into the same things I am…cuffs…belts…improvisation….  It’s important to have similar fetishes and quirks when your in a D/s relationship btw.  Then there’s no arguing or negotiation it’s all natural.  Like….organic.  Mmm I’m hungry now.

No pain no gain

So yes I’m deciding to take this more public….no idea why.  Do I need attention? not especially…however if people are remotely interested in BDSM and more I’d be thrilled to meet new people.  Do I want your opinions? not overly, get your own blog and do your own thing then.  Life is too short to discuss this with a committee.

I welcome questions comments…that sort of thing.  If you make me think too much I’ll ignore you but I will get back to you, eventually.  Jane had me thinking wonderfully!  (I can’t do that all the time it… hurts my brain).

I welcome visitors from all walks of life.  I apologize in advance if your bored.

Everyone that burns, has to learn from the pain

I’ve been busy 🙂 working.  So Friday, a bit, Saturday and well I started at 7pm last night got off work sometime around 9am this am.  That was a strange schedule malfunction.  I do enjoy working with Senior people   Anyway I’m sort of rested…I think once you have a coll(ick)y baby ages ago you realize on how very little sleep you can live off of.   Until those waking dreams begin anyway. (Telltale sign you need to rest your eyeballs and you better do it quick before you fall over).

So I have not forgotten about this place I’ve just been….learning my new job stuff.  Went off for a little romp in hill country yesterday hike thing meander thing all this fresh crisp Fall glorious air.  I am in love with this weather.

Back to 1000% better

Making an effort you know to take time out for me.  I’m also working on some Dr. Phil workbook thing about not getting in the way of your authentic self.    Excellent news I’m authentic.  Crazy news, I trip and fall all over myself.  So perhaps this will allow me to find ways not to do that, you know get in the way of my own mind.  I’m afraid to succeed.  I don’t feel deserving of it.  You know…I’ve struggled my whole life…so thats all I know.  Let’s break out of some of that stuff shall we?

Migraines SUCK

I don’t know if this is natures way of saying I’ve just exploded or what….but food msg poison is just awful.  Whats worse…are those dammed headaches.  I cant take anything for them as nothing stays down anyway. When I do take migraine medication I feel strange the next day.  My whole body will hurt or my neck is so stiff I feel as if it will just fall off my head and then there’s other unusual side effects like swallowing feels strange.  Thinking I’d rather just feel wiped out from it all instead of wiped out from it all and then THESE effects.

So because I get these I feel as if I’m completely difficult and useless and someone could never care for me.

This is where Dan does at least help me.  Bringing me ice or getting me to take pepto because maybe that MIGHT help (there’s always the off chance anyway maybe and then I can finally sleep)  So his caring for me sort of humbles me a bit and leaves me feeling inadequate to perhaps one day leave him for someone else should that happen.  Ultimately I would love to live in the UK however I think without someone helping me, looking after me I’d be a disaster.

So Dab feels he can finally help me when I’m sick or unable to do something.  He actually did mention something about “in sickness and in health”  as I burst into tears.  That just made me feel inadequate.   I mentioned you DO know we’re not married….

You know….if he wouldn’t be so critical and procrastinate he’d be a really good man.

Right now I’m tired.  My neck is sore and I think my energy for the day has been well used (I visited my first client today) for two hour physical therapy session.  I truly enjoyed meeting the very forthright Ms. Risa.   Learning of her life and her husband who fights the Japanese still in his dreams…having had PTSD from being in WWII in his young 20’s.  She was his caregiver in a way.  Now that will be my job, waking him up from those dreams that are about to become hell for him.  She broke her fibula (your large thigh muscle)  ow.  So after she’s rehabbed in a few weeks I can leave them to help someone else.  I’m Mary Poppins!

Btw there were tons of lesbians there.   My gaydar going haywire…how fantastic!  So that was most enjoyable…however seeing my pale lips and face this NOON my non-morning said otherwise.  I didn’t get to spend time with myKev on skype today…but we did chat a bit thru fb.  So this makes for a long day for me….

am I able to be kept?

SO its different….not being married yet still living with your X-X.   There’s a lot of stuff we’re trying to work thru and there are some bad days in there.  I’m also having a hard time with outside influences as far as our kink goes.  Because it’s something that can connect us it’s nice to have something to talk about.  Even if I’m soooo not into rope as he is.  In fact as my Sir knows, it’s a hard limit.  If anything I have a severe issue with it.  Rope makes me itchy oh and hyperventilate.   I can honestly say I have a rope phobia.

Let’s do this

I have some questions…especially about your strengths…
1. writing begets more writing…why is that a strength?

Well because you wanted me to write.  For some reason it’s also a tad theraputic it beats wanting to crop someone nearby or work out so intensely at the gym you look like your an extra in a Vin Diesel film. (the sweat…it does a body and can make a body look good…plus it can hide wrinkels)

What benefit does it have? What does it mean to you? In what instance did it provide you with something that strength came out of?

Thinking you mean writing here….Okay the benefit of it…me seeing things as an outsider looking in. (once it’s out like a burp you forget about it not that I burp much in fact I’ve burped officially twice this year and I remember it because it makes me laugh and giggle and it’s gross and I I can’t imagine people burping the alphabet)  ALSO seeing things as they are black and white.  I don’t especially wish to go back and reflect on my week, I got thru it, turn the page new chapter….new opportunities for more.

An instance….good lord.   *complete brain malfunction* I’m at a loss here.  An instance…..Okay I have one when I couldn’t sleep one night I actually thought about writing in here and sort of mentally did (this kept me from sleeping) however I realized the next morning after I woke up I had to re-write all over so DON’T Do that T…..just do it at the time.   In other words I think I looked forward to writing whatever was in my head and getting that OUT.  Sia-nara!!!!

2. You’re stronger than you think you are. Give an example from this week…why do you say that?  Well because I carried that ladder over my head ….um lets see emotionally because I feel it.  Writing it sort of brings truth to it.  Since I always speak my mind god help you all) and bite my tongue when I can’t say anything nice….(which is rare and takes tremendous effort)

3. I am busy. does that mean your strength is to be ambitious? focused or what…relate it to a concrete example.
I guess it means I’m thankful to be busy.  Its better than not being busy I have problems with sitting idle.  I’m ambitious but since I have no real direction in which to focus on – a nudge I suppose from anywhere but my poor brain which is often said to be ‘flighty’ and whimsical and but anyway thats by that one not normal guy….

4. I am interesting…(yes you are…smile) but how is that a strength?  Because I’m not boring?  I’m not into overly vanilla taking kids to soccer practice, bbq’ing sunday dinners.  I’m into unique dancing, unique reading and unique dressing….unfortunately this also leaves me to be a little different and a tad lonely because no one else is like me nearby – or tolerates it much.

5. I like sex prefer it being with someone…how is that a strength?  Because most women have a strange view of sex.   They repress themselves, they don’t share and they’re missing out.

Definition of STRENGTH   (ahem according to the Merriam webster dictionary)

1: the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance
2: power to resist force : solidity, toughness
3: power of resisting attack : impregnability
4: legal, logical, or moral force
5: degree of potency of effect or of concentration <chili peppers in varying
6: force as measured in numbers : effective numbers of any body or organization <an army at full strength>
7: one regarded as embodying or affording force or firmness : support <you are my love and my strength>
8: maintenance of or a rising tendency in a price level : firmness of prices <the strength of the dollar>

Your assignment is to look up the dictionary definition of strength, and then weakness.

Definition of WEAKNESS

1: the quality or state of being weak; also : an instance or period of being weak <backed down in a moment of weakness>
3a : a special desire or fondness <has a weaknessfor sweets>

3b : an object of special desire or fondness <pizza is my weakness>

weaknesses
1. I need to ask for help more. (excellent insight by the way)
2. I like sex and need my ass thrashed. why would you think that is a weakness, unless of course “needing ANYTHING” is a weakness?
3.I don’t have enough confidence in myself. (excellent!)
4. I don’t like reflecting on myself. This can be a weakness because without targeted self appraisal, you can never act effectively/logically. This also has to do with fear…of what you will find if you look too deeply.

what you’ve learned:
1. slow down…costing your body. (and just what are you running so hard from…I propose that your inner thoughts are driving you to try to block them out by being busy…remember you are a human BEING, not a human DOING.) I’ve heard you get serene…and the merrygoround in your head slows down.

Oh… hmmm it sounds ok But….I’m a do’er.   I can’t slow down it makes me nuts. I’m naturally antsy…energetic.  Think of a small puppy….I prefer to slow down for an hour a day.  via yoga or working out….even napping is 15-20 minutes if I nap.   I will slow down when I croak I’m thinking.   I don’t know my dad is the same way.  He’s still alive…

2..Can only make progress in small increments…yes indeed…

3. Affirmations help. They do…and are an excellent tool…bravo!
*sheepish grin thanks*

4. I am hungry for more. appetite/lust for life isn’t a bad thing…but if it controls you it can be…along with “everything in moderation,” the other part of the writing over the Temple of Delphi reads “know thyself.”

oh….I’m a whirlwind. thats…about all I know.

I am proud of you…for persevering, and accepting direction..even though you hated it with a purple passion. I honor that you did your best to comply with my requests. Now…when the fuck are we going to talk about all of this?…last time we talked you were all tweaked and worried that I was going to reject you due to Dan’s being involved in some drama, and I haven’t heard a peep from you since then except this journal! Were you aware of that? Anyway…when you get around to it…give me a buzz…not a hashing out..just an overview and an “affirmation”…smile

Thanks dear Jane 🙂    I….think  *my brain*   arrrrghhhhhh

 

Here. You suck.

I’m not one to really lament about men…and man bash because as time and emotions go on moods and things change.  I just wanted to put this here.  Not only as a reminder to myself how far I’ve come…but also something to springboard from, when things are tough to bounce back from.