Lucking Fove this!

“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.”
― Frank Zappa


All the noise inside of my head

The madness of love and what we’ll do for it,
Two walk through the fire and just go through with it.
To cancel your doubt And fly into the sun,
To go without And feel like you’re the lucky one.
The mad things we do for love, we’re caught in a world of lies,
I just had the strangest dream, We won’t get to do this twice.

My head never shuts off.  I never stop moving.  My thoughts…swirling.  My body flying as I try to concentrate. Yoga has been helpful in trying to get my head to quiet down.  As is meditation, antsy me.  You should see me try to sit and watch tv.  Surely I have some sort of adult ADHD.  However I choose not to focus on that.  I only feel love, in everything – energy.  Perhaps I’m just getting old.  Oh I have a fire inside alright.  Now if I could just focus it someplace.  Sometimes I scare myself.

The importance of moving


So it occurred to me that as my Master is off dealing with some major life blows, I should for the sake of my sanity, be writing my thoughts and feelings SOMEWHERE.

I’m choosing to focus on me…no no no not be that vain stuff.   Just simply Creating new habits (aka just keep moving before you know it yay it’s habit!) feeding my soul thru reading, dance classes, Pilates, yoga, nature and finally, the hardest for me, nurturing self.

As nurturing others is as simple as breathing, Its what makesh me most happy. So the more you give yourself, the more you can give others. Im far too determined and forget to take time out for myself daily. Thank goodness for masterbation! (Not to be confused with master nation as my auto correct wishes to sway me to fix that word)

So speaking of master nation, I’m making a conscious effort of self mastery. Only delegating more, I run a great household. The ruler supreme!

Its easy to get caught up in the daily grind. Vivaldi fills my ears, a multitude of candle light soothes and I need to make habits out of Friday night In’s. cooking in those five inch plus heels and making a gourmet healthy meal dressed as a proper grown up. Our daughter gets a kick out of our dates (my XX and me). Why go out when I can whip up a hell of a dish! I like the company I keep. Half the time we play taxi for kiddo’s nights out. At least during her sleepovers and teen meets us grownups can enjoy ourselves. *bring out the equipment and bdsm gear* although the field last week was…. we need to try more of that stuff!!! Getting spanked (and the repercussions of getting spanked) on a moonlit night with your face pressing into the concrete of that waterway was the highlight of my year so far! Sexual relations were never an issue as to why I left my XX.

So! Just keep moving is key… Plus I truly feel better when I do. I’m just glad my little family wants to go on walks and do Pilates with me!

This is not easy. This is not the right path for me.

Someone that feeds your soul should be kept in your life.  If I have the chance to right this wrong I will.  I crave him so!  I thought this was what was best.  I AM single afterall.  However It’s just not at all right.  I have this hole where this other puzzle piece fit perfectly.  No idea if I’m too late.  If I can fix this….who knows what tomorrow brings or what the future holds.  If I’m holdable.


My Sir and I are going thru some things.  Only he’s going thru major life things.  I can only hope he comes out, ok and considers coming back to me after I pushed him away.   Right now it’s not about me.  It’s about getting thru some of life’s harshest issues.  Loss.  Loss of much right now and he needs to know from me….I’ve been there and I’m there for him.  Always.

His last music he posted to me.   One of the biggest things I loved that….music stirred his soul.  (I love that he could play guitar, strum me a tune).  My personal dj “this goes out to you” kind of moment.  There’s a lot that I will always savor.

S & M

When I was 16 I met the S & M crew, their business card handed to me, hand drawn by the boys who were 17. (this also was the first letters of their first name) and when I asked what S & M stood for I was told Sadomasochism. “OH” was all I could reply. That was auspicious of them. Then dismissed it as most things go when they do not apply to me. However I was always aware of that vein, throbbing in my right temple. Drawn to such strange notions unlike other people I knew. I was always different. Why should I ever consider otherwise. Different is good. Embrace your unique selves.