We all struggle…

“The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.”

Every moment of every day, choose.

Choose to do the right thing, the tough thing-not the familiar easy thing! Choose the way of the warrior or the way of the coward. Make your choice out of love instead of fear. Choose from the heart (my newest most favorite choice) choose to live fully, not to sleepwalk through your life. Choose to respond with the way you REALLY feel, not the way your supposed to feel. Choose a walk in the park over the drive through it. Choose simplicity over extravagance (although admittedly I can make some nice extravagances because I care to) choose conversation over television. Choose to talk things out rather than sit on your anger overnight. Choose compassion and generosity. Choose to smile instead of frown. Make your choices and stick with them.

I choose to hope.



22 THINGS HAPPY PEOPLE DO DIFFERENTLY (I’m generally a happy person here, have some!  It’s contagious!)

There are two types of people in the world: Those who choose to be happy, and those who choose to be unhappy. Contrary to popular belief, happiness doesn’t come from fame, fortune, other people, or material possessions. Rather, it comes from within. The richest person in the world could be miserable while a homeless person could be right outside, walking around with a spring in every step. Happy people are happy because they make themselves happy. They maintain a positive outlook on life and remain at peace with themselves.
The question is: how do they do that?
It’s quite simple. Happy people have good habits that enhance their lives. They do things differently. Ask any happy person, and they will tell you that they …

1. Don’t hold grudges.
Happy people understand that it’s better to forgive and forget than to let their negative feelings crowd out their positive feelings. Holding a grudge has a lot of detrimental effects on your wellbeing, including increased depression, anxiety, and stress. Why let anyone who has wronged you have power over you? If you let go of all your grudges, you’ll gain a clear conscience and enough energy to enjoy the good things in life.

2. Treat everyone with kindness.
Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that being kind makes you happier? Every time you perform a selfless act, your brain produces serotonin, a hormone that eases tension and lifts your spirits. Not only that, but treating people with love, dignity, and respect also allows you to build stronger relationships.

3. See problems as challenges.
The word “problem” is never part of a happy person’s vocabulary. A problem is viewed as a drawback, a struggle, or an unstable situation while a challenge is viewed as something positive like an opportunity, a task, or a dare. Whenever you face an obstacle, try looking at it as a challenge.

4. Express gratitude for what they already have.
There’s a popular saying that goes something like this: “The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.” You will have a deeper sense of contentment if you count your blessings instead of yearning for what you don’t have.

5. Dream big.
People who get into the habit of dreaming big are more likely to accomplish their goals than those who don’t. If you dare to dream big, your mind will put itself in a focused and positive state.

6. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Happy people ask themselves, “Will this problem matter a year from now?” They understand that life’s too short to get worked up over trivial situations. Letting things roll off your back will definitely put you at ease to enjoy the more important things in life.

7. Speak well of others.
Being nice feels better than being mean. As fun as gossiping is, it usually leaves you feeling guilty and resentful. Saying nice things about other people encourages you to think positive, non-judgmental thoughts.

8. Never make excuses.
Benjamin Franklin once said, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” Happy people don’t make excuses or blame others for their own failures in life. Instead, they own up to their mistakes and, by doing so, they proactively try to change for the better.

9. Get absorbed into the present.
Happy people don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. They savor the present. They let themselves get immersed in whatever they’re doing at the moment. Stop and smell the roses.

10. Wake up at the same time every morning.
Have you noticed that a lot of successful people tend to be early risers? Waking up at the same time every morning stabilizes your circadian rhythm, increases productivity, and puts you in a calm and centered state.

11. Avoid social comparison.
Everyone works at his own pace, so why compare yourself to others? If you think you’re better than someone else, you gain an unhealthy sense of superiority. If you think someone else is better than you, you end up feeling bad about yourself. You’ll be happier if you focus on your own progress and praise others on theirs.

12. Choose friends wisely.
Misery loves company. That’s why it’s important to surround yourself with optimistic people who will encourage you to achieve your goals. The more positive energy you have around you, the better you will feel about yourself.

13. Never seek approval from others.
Happy people don’t care what others think of them. They follow their own hearts without letting naysayers discourage them. They understand that it’s impossible to please everyone. Listen to what people have to say, but never seek anyone’s approval but your own.

14. Take the time to listen.
Talk less; listen more. Listening keeps your mind open to others’ wisdoms and outlooks on the world. The more intensely you listen, the quieter your mind gets, and the more content you feel.

15. Nurture social relationships.
A lonely person is a miserable person. Happy people understand how important it is to have strong, healthy relationships. Always take the time to see and talk to your family, friends, or significant other.

16. Meditate.
Meditating silences your mind and helps you find inner peace. You don’t have to be a zen master to pull it off. Happy people know how to silence their minds anywhere and anytime they need to calm their nerves.

17. Eat well.
Junk food makes you sluggish, and it’s difficult to be happy when you’re in that kind of state. Everything you eat directly affects your body’s ability to produce hormones, which will dictate your moods, energy, and mental focus. Be sure to eat foods that will keep your mind and body in good shape.

18. Exercise.
Studies have shown that exercise raises happiness levels just as much as Zoloft does. Exercising also boosts your Self Improvement and gives you a higher sense of self-accomplishment.

19. Live minimally.
Happy people rarely keep clutter around the house because they know that extra belongings weigh them down and make them feel overwhelmed and stressed out. Some studies have concluded that Europeans are a lot happier than Americans are, which is interesting because they live in smaller homes, drive simpler cars, and own fewer items.

20. Tell the truth.
Lying stresses you out, corrodes your Self Improvement, and makes you unlikeable. The truth will set you free. Being honest improves your mental health and builds others’ trust in you. Always be truthful, and never apologize for it.

21. Establish personal control.
Happy people have the ability to choose their own destinies. They don’t let others tell them how they should live their lives. Being in complete control of one’s own life brings positive feelings and a great sense of self-worth.

22. Accept what cannot be changed.
Once you accept the fact that life is not fair, you’ll be more at peace with yourself. Instead of obsessing over how unfair life is, just focus on what you can control and change it for the better.

Kink will always be there…

Time. Its precious. Valuable. Liquid, surely it runs from my touch? Life happens and its in that incredible tangible wonder of a soft breeze on my skin to the sing song of a bird I stop to reflect. Here. Now! That is whats most important to me. Not will he tie me up tomorrow. Will I see him this weekend! Will she call me back… Whats MY passion? My offspring. I don’t have 6 children and a sagging pelvic floor. (I admire those who do). What I do have is more. A part of me beginning where I am ending. I’ve much to impart! Lessons to teach and debates to discuss! Kink will always be there, It’s not going anywhere.  I will be glad to jump in head first when time allows. What can I teach at that age I didn’t know? Tons. We learn from each other daily. Until then I remain passionate to what matters most. Becoming.  Being there.  Learning. As I’m outside looking in….I do crave my Master.  Yet I remain patient.



My first real experience with love was when I was about 11.  I’d been camping all weekend and came back after Memorial Day just feeling completely funny.  I’d spent the weekend running around with my new friend, a boy.  I shall call him Evermore.  OOOOOH such fun we had climbing trees and swimming and hiking thru the forest!  There must have been at least a dozen other kids we were with but I can’t say I saw them much.  So upon coming home and back in my room I felt funny.  All settled and sorted I was trying to think of something to do.  My other friends rather held little appeal at the time.  What was that feeling in the pit of my stomach???  I moped around trying to busy myself but my thoughts just kept straying to Evermore.

What the heck was going on??! Two hours I’d had enough I figured I think I was having some kind of reaction thing.  All I know is that I needed to find him.  Somehow…call him??  I had little information, I knew he lived in the same town and I knew his parents names I think….I didn’t know his physical address but from what I recall of it – it sounded like a funny name.

I picked up the phone book and went into the laundry room (why I chose that location I have no clue) I decided to look up Evermore Thornton’s parents in the phone book!  Do you know how many Thornton’s there is in a town?  There was also the problem with the name Evermore had.  It was also his fathers much like a Robert to a Bob or a William to a Bill.  This was going to be tricky….oddly I managed to go down the list….Alfred, Julia, Leonard….I narrowed it down to four Thornton’s and managed making my calls.   Do you have a son named Evermore?  Did you go camping over the weekend?  (Mind you in no way was I overly nervous you know I was on a mission to get this odd feeling out of my stomach)  FINALLY success!  Evermore came to the phone and I had instant relief!  YAY!  My stomach felt better.  Only now I felt funny in other ways.  SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME.  In chatting with Evermore he invited me over to play basketball!   YAY!  OOOH I got his address!  OKAY I’ll be over in an hour!

First of all he lived on Nippert Street!  What the heck is a Nippert??  WHERE was Nippert St. ???!   I didn’t want to have my parents drive me they didn’t need to get involved.  OOH!  The phone book – there’s a map!  I could hopefully ride my bike!  I found my route!  Got out my bike and declared to my parents where I was going (no real directions written down – no cell phone)  I got a little lost….and eventually found my way!   It was the furthest I’d ridden on a bike and it was all thru connected subdivisions, no major streets.

I got to Evermore’s and had afternoon unlike any other where time flew but stood still at the same time.  I even got to eat dinner with him and his family (blah…I didn’t like the food that wasn’t the sloppy joe sandwiches I knew of – what’s a manwich??) I tried to eat anyway but I was nervous because Evermore had a younger brother and just well…me at the table (not to mention his parents).  My palms were sweaty.  Who can eat if you feel funny?

30 years later I don’t recall how I got home. I think I rode my bike….but wow.  That was very forthright of me.  I didn’t really discuss that with anyone.  I savored it…my adventure.  Eventually time got the better of us and I moved away.  I did move back to that town.  When I met him as an older teen, I ran into him at the pool he was life guarding at.  I was excited to see him….but something had changed.  I just didn’t have his attention and to me he looked a little funny (if not insanely taller).  Evermore ended up marrying his high school sweetheart.  Some gal I always saw him around that I’d hoped would move out of the way so I could talk to him.  Alas I had other things to think about…  those flutterby’s long gone….but not forgotten.

Recently a year ago, I ordered chocolates for my Sir for Valentines Day.  They were Thornton’s chocolates.  Apparently his absolute favorite, stunning him and myself.  I really only got them because of my tie to that name.  (I figured it would be a good omen to try).  I was right.

What IS Healthy?

What is Healthy?

As my Master has been delving into creating a new career, picking up the pieces of much, sorting himself out after….stuff I refuse to share.  I’ve been left to my own devices.   It’s not easy….I’m rather left on the side.  A bit ignored to be honest and well that is not something I’m not comprehending.  It really only takes a minute to tell someone hello.  He’s stubborn. I am just as much.

He missed our anniversary entirely.  I ….that stung.  It still hurts.   I still make efforts to write him you see and he’s chosen not to visit our spot.  I do ask him questions on why this is…He mentions it’s his career he’s most concerned about.  Which I totally get.  You don’t work = you don’t eat + have no longer have a roof over your head….and so on.  If you have a family to look after (which he does) it’s incredibly daunting.

For now I hear from him perhaps once a week…he doesn’t overly address my ramblings or concerns.  He has mentioned once or twice I pushed him away.  Which I really only did for 6 hours.  He CHOSE to stay away.  I explained that with serious enthusiasm in every possible way.  I’ve declared love and more.  I’ve also apologized for it in a hundred emails and outpourings of apologies.

Timing was bad.  In my 6 hour ‘break’ I realized I don’t at all long for another.  He no longer has the phone I could contact him with.  So no texting.   I also loved him more than I thought.  In the 2 month plus break….he is popping in more….for how long I have no clue. It’s all out of my control.  All I can do is be there.  Do I delight in hearing from him?  Yes.  However now when I see he’s been about I instantly manage to brace myself for how long until I hear from him again.  I always crave more of him you see.  I could simply just be a distraction to him. (which he should really just mention you know)  I’d hate to be a bad distraction on someone.  A reason they don’t flourish.  I can’t say that’s ever happened to me.

Communication is always key.

How long is this healthy…..I wonder.  How long am I willing to leave my pod bay door open?  Will it be subject to this again?  The future.  Not easily seen.  It’s fear of the unknown I have.  No assurances for…..anything.  Where once I trusted to hear from him in mornings and goodnights….I no longer feel that is going to be brought back.  Not with his input…and effort.  Without it I’m just lost.  My blossoms have long since closed up into a tight bud.  I wonder if I shall ever blossom and bloom again….

So I’ve (for my own sanity purposes) chosen to crawl out from under the covers and into the daylight again.  I’m not sure where we stand.  I love him still even if it’s taken a toll on me.  I don’t wish to find another man who completes me the way Kev does.  I can only speculate as to what he’s thinking.  He’s taken “a step back” from being my master that does not sever our relationship.  He loves me still and well…as you know I’m apparently quite devoted.  I love him more.

So into dancing and jogging and pilates and healthy shakes I go.  Shocking my system initially I must admit that was quite painful.   Don’t recommend that but hey hopefully that only happens the one time.  I went full out and my fibromyalgia poked it’s ugly head out and said hello again!  I ached all over.  It hurt to breathe for 3 days….I still kept at it.  Crazed determined woman I am.  I must admit 2 weeks later I no longer hurt to move.  That cat like reflex and litheness is back.

I noticed in running I can’t focus on the car at the end of the street to make it there…or the next block or that firehydrant.  I don’t make it then.  I have to look at the damn ground.  I notice it’s moving faster….the pits and groves and gaps and crevaces….texture.  Then I focus on the smells around me -mainly luckily fragrant just now.  I can’t say it’s enjoyable to run past a road kill or some rodent  or small animal that didn’t make it somewhere.  Then the music in my ears.  Before I know it I’ve reached well beyond my goals and my lungs no longer burn nor do my legs protest.  I cried and jogged yesterday in surpassing all my goals.  It was …..incredible.  I think that’s how I roll.  I just go and go until I’ve exceeded my expectations and then freak out because where did how did that happen so fast???  Always more goals and things to explore and dream of.  So all I can do is keep moving.  If I don’t I just become one with my bed and that’s agonizing.  I’ve had enough of that nonsense.