My promise to myself


Why is it so difficult for me to be self indulgent! S i g h…. What having a Sir in my life does for me (takes away any guilt I may have for one). Anyway while he still will forever be a part of me and he’s off sorting his new job, I try to focus inward. Withdrawing much from the local scene this year. I find my journey to be a bit introspective just now. Finding love for myself someplace (I’m far too hard on me). I still don’t see what others do (do I have to??). Im just trying to enjoy the little things just now. My they are tremendous!

Oh YES…Maestro!


So… I’ve been involved with music and Choir mostly since age 6. My conductors were mainly women until I was much older f i n a l l y were male. I must admit they seriously held my attention. H e l l o.

I find I’m naturally drawn to power, intelligence, strength, manner of dress. Self discipline…oooh that one male (or four…if any at all, if any dare) that manage to draw and hold my attention.

Choral directors held sticks for one, in all seriousness I was always involved with a choir that had a full professional orchestra or jazz band.

In my college years the maestros held their doctorate degrees. Conducting the sound and taste they wanted the audience to absorb. Admittedly I always ended up in advanced choirs or varsity choirs upon just entering the high school level. Talent did that, however my perseverance in finding opportunities did a bit more. “Whoops sorry to have signed up for that, admissions didn’t seem to catch that, may I audition?”

At the college level there wasn’t a moment that went by that I didn’t meticulously scrutinize my director. Surely there is a hair someplace out of order? Did I fantasize? Who me?? MY… their coat and tails state of dress during six time, week long performances and long rehearsals was quite lovely. I may need to dine off their body. Right down to their very shirt collar points and cufflinks to the polish of their shoes…who doesn’t appreciate a well dressed man! Ah their mannerisms, passion for their work and above all…refinement had me VERY aware. Setting the baseline standards I knew I wanted in a Bdsm partner.

Furthermore, I admired their patience, attention to detail and their desire to get things done according to their specifications. Teaching all along…

In that time I learned strength, stature thats important, the benefits of breathing deep. All the while yearning to be the notes or instrument to be played.

I learned poise and grace and discipline to a level of discomfort, never mind talent. That was a given…. but to catch his eye… hold his gaze, exchange words was a thrill. I’m not easily intimidated at all… Yet then I was. It’s damn hot on stage under those lights!!!

I had the distinct pleasure of bringing my scottish grandmother to one of our practices. I spoke with the maestro before seeking his verbal acquiesce. Knowing full well season ticket holders paid over $100.00 a seat. He complied. How my grandmother didn’t burst into tears….she heard such profound beauty and age old reverence in our songs.

(On a side note). My grandmother, she pushed me along. Sometimes she was mean. I was terribly shy as a child. Still have such qualms, however in time, I was able to open up to her on my terms. I had talent and skill but… had tremendous difficulty expressing it when I wasn’t alone. I had stage fright indeed!

For now I still appreciate a well dressed man. Maestro’s are a tough act to follow. I’m pleased to admit the men in my life do NOT disappoint. (I will make every effort not to disappoint as well) I’ve never owned a pair of sweat pants … thats for sure!

Otherwise I’m thankful for my insight and ability to problem solve and troubleshoot. Even if it’s me I’m troubleshooting.

I struggle with receiving love

I’m not entirely sure why. Perhaps I’ve been far too self reliant or simply too busy to slow down at times. Taking more than three hours a day to do nothing is rather impossible for me. I’m thankful for my xx to literally yank me from my plans to get me to have a minibreak (tho I may protest at the time). I understand the world won’t end if laundry isn’t put away or the yard isn’t edged or the pesticide isn’t put down. I keep a tidy mean household. I have standards and expectations when it comes to cleanliness. Slovenly behavior is not something I tolerate. Filthy dirty messes have their place between two people passionately entwined. Thank goodness!

I’ve not had an actual vacation in well over 8 years. Do family trips count?? If they don’t then my last vacation officially was in 1997. fuck family trips those are slightly stressful running here and there… (best behavior now). Most of my family’s passed away now and the rest are scattered far away.

As I wish to travel and see the world a bit, I’m rather fretting at any potential down time I may have. So naturally I’m looking at tours where you may have 4 or 5 hours in the morning or so for yourself.

Yes I’m a type “A” personality. Which I only read once about that so I cant say I focus on it.

Chuckling my first Dom I had officially was trying him out he lasted three days. (Surprised I lasted that long). I kept getting corner time for misbehaving. After my fifth corner time in two days I knew he wasn’t the right Master sort I needed. Plus there was zero chemistry on my end.

Anyway I have to force myself to take mini breaks. Which suits me.



…and a gentle reminder to develop in other areas I’m not educated in or could use more understanding of. Except trigonometry. I refuse to comprehend anymore on that subject. Safeword the fuck out of that one (even if I opt out of using a safeword). Latin is overrated as well unless you’re singing it in a heavenly choir…resounding pitch perfect voices in a cathedral give me goosebumps. Speaking of goosebumps… my Master makes me smile, from the inside out.

I’m a celestial being

Full of light. Love and energy. I’m picky for a reason since I was a smallfry.

Of late I’ve been dealing with a lot of poly collecting RL Doms. Let’s have a little fun?? No. Oh and no offense if you’re following me secretly like. Anyway I’m just not interested. I’m not interested in any other Master other than the one I have.

Meanwhile I’m coming to terms with the fact that Im likely mildly polyamorous. I’m reading a little about if (but Im also studying kinesiology just now so Im not overly focusing on BDSM.) I’m in motion. ARE YOU?