I have a need 🙂 or did anyway, ok well it’s a continual need, that ebbs and flows and growls and snarls. A curious one that’s for sure. I can’t deny it anylonger. I’ve not played publicly since Jane, her health scare had me thinking thrice about doing anything again. Top that off I didn’t have my Masters permission. I know better now. I think I can articulate a bit more now that brain function is returning a little. I never reached subspace with Jane….
What is subspace like for me? hmmm….I just feel soooooo funky (rather fantastic you know) I’m actually just so very blissful from the inside out and thoughts are elusive and just *poof* I babble and I’m so blitzed out it’s just ridiculous. I normally over think far too much. My head is literally shut off for a half hour to hours!
Subdrop is interesting. Apparently it’s wise to nurture yourself (so I do and oddly had enough energy to bake and cook yesterday….I know in life that always brought me comfort cooking for others so perhaps thats just what I needed) Advil helps…sleeping helps….the more you just give over to your situation the faster you can recover. I was in subspace for about 3 hours. It’s normally difficult for me to take a day out or off for just me anyway. Ive not had a weeks vacation or holiday for myself in over a decade. I’m not sure that’s good. So this….MAKES me.
The scene “I can’t get up” from a Christmas story comes to mind.
My head’s still a bit blissful but there will be emotions in there and the one I have most in my mind just now is a bit of guilt. For playing for one….and also for being so very intense and difficult. I feel bad for XX actually. I’m nuclear. I think any Dom within a 15′-20 ok fine 30′ radius probably had their fingers itching to pick up a flogger. I do things…I untied my one wrist rope cuff (ok nearly) with my teeth. I escaped my rope bound ankle so then I could kick out behind me…..I had some bamboo bit gag in that eventually (I’m not sure how that happened-it was a MIRACLE I TELL YOU) it fell away! Hooray!!! Which gave me a chance to use my voice and words and “fuck you” and I feel really really bad that I did that. I didn’t mean to shriek that. XX did tie my pelvis to the cross after I climbed the thing, but he fashioned a gstring for me and well….I sort of found an interesting use for having rope between my legs. My nylons slid along it….I used it to get off accidentally a few times whoops.
The damn dungeon had all the lights up too….so no feeling comfy in the dark….and well I chose the cross that was furthest from the social area off in a corner, in time I can’t say I was aware of anyone and I sure didn’t really see them.
I was fully clothed you know….I’m not getting naked in front of all those people they may want some kind of something then that involves more than a hug.
Damage report….My wrists are bruised actually, my upper ribcage is bruised….My ass doesn’t have much rhyme or reason as far as any marks go. My one cheek is largely bruised and I ache everywhere! oooooh la la. Jane’s marks and bruises were a bit more methodical. We were only on that St. Andrews Cross thing for about 20 minutes, Jane and I. I think I was on the cross this time …for about 45 minutes I’m not sure. One cheek by my hip has a slash (I packed the toys actually because I wanted….to have “decent” implements should I feel inclided to have XX play me) There was a single tail whip and paddle and my stingy flogger. There’s pressure points that I enjoy btw in my ass if you grind your fist into them…um…for one it can bring me to my knees in agony….or bring me to orgasm depending on what your doing. I do love pressure point play.
I cannot negotiate a scene….this I know because I can’t play that way. Plus that would be based on thinking….that all goes out the window, it’s all based on feel for me. Energy exchange I suppose, heat….f i r e.
I’m just glad that the heel of my stiletto was not imbedded in XX. He managed a tremendous job!