It’s within each and every one of us to change our situation….our life….our perspective. This new year, has really been an awakening for me. I’m not sure this was intended however it’s welcome and very much appreciated.
My life extends far beyond my kinks and BDSM. Those are facets to it that merely speak to me, a lifestyle I will always love being a part of. So when I had planned a trip to visit my sister after 4 years I wasn’t expecting all that came with it. I just wanted to see and be with my sister afterall, reconnect and just be in the moment.
Well the few months that lead up to it were laden with her self doubt. I kept reassuring her “I’m coming” (now, let’s not get into the gutter with this) “I’m visiting you, YES I will be there.” I think when you have a family dynamic where your mother passes away early in your life (essentially the glue that holds all together) what manages to remain is laden with self doubt, frustrations and emotions from all close family that’s left. So I pushed forward…
I’ve not been back to that area of Illinois since my sister’s wedding 5 years prior, at that time I was nearly 200 lbs and in a very dark place. I believe I just said “fuck it”.
So fast forward to now, I’m now light years lighter and back to myself. Illinois was greyer than I recalled. My sister herself looked far older and that was a bit of a shock. She’d always been bubbly, Most Valuable Player (MVP) in highschool, the captain of the dance team. I was never really envious of that it just suited her spazzy personality.
My sister, she was always upside down if you ask me. Literally doing hand stands and flipflops with my late brother, the absolute artist and comedian. I gladly chose to be their rock and such, it suited me. Mama hen.
So once back in the small town off old route 66, I did not expect to
feel my fifteen year old self smirking at me from within. Giddy…taunting and wiser than beyond her years. “Look…at how far I’ve come!” So I did. H A R D. I loved what I saw too. So much so… I wanted to dance from it, so I did. In the snow.
I think….I’ve never appreciated that small town as I did until this trip. The beauty in the small creeks, the simple people around discussing the weather as if it’s their very lifeline. Meandering about the local grocery store that I recalled going to, to procure a nights dinner. My mother was terribly depressed when I resided there for 6 months at age 15 so, I looked after everyone. I even quit high school for two weeks to help my Mom open her beauty shop as I aspired to be her apprentice, I ran her small business with her.
What a very different life I would lead had I gone down that path…
It snowed. Not a little either! I got to go snowmobiling even! I loved it! My knotty guy and I got into so many snowball fights, he oddly always managed to hit my ass too as if it were a target! God I was so bored after 3 days!
(You don’t hibernate see in S. Texas…not really. Maybe hunker down in August and September….manage a siesta a few times a week to cope with the heat). So laying around the house isn’t something I can just…DO after two days.
It was also quite special to see my sister and daughter reconnect. If anything that was quite incredible. I had no idea they were so very very much alike. They didn’t know they had similar ways of doing things from eating around the same time daily to the very fibers in my daughters hair. Am I sure she’s my daughter? Hell yes my sister was in the delivery room with me as she was born (that wasn’t planned but I just went with it) Now, that’s a party!
What did I see? Truly see?
[Aside from my sister very enthusiastically professing her love/obsession of the “50 shades of grey series” -Noooooooooo!!! Plus why on earth would she tell me this?!?!]
Anyway, what I truly saw…. My sisters husbands love for her. I saw my brother in law as a caring man and alpha male (hahahaha this is why we butt heads). I saw my brother in law as being a homebody. Not one for adventuring anywhere new or explore anyplace different. They love a simple life, without plants or pets. It’s a bit sterile considering they don’t travel. I’m quite happy my sister has a home she’s made all her own and is no longer living at our old house.
I saw many of their friends that gathered, as being in relationships they wanted to get away from, no one really did anything about their situation except complain. They didn’t really have any other place to go, so they all went to my sisters massive outbuilding and drank themselves silly. While texting their teens as they complained about being under appreciated. I also learned my sister plans to live out her entire life in that tiny town. Their newly renovated home reflected craftsmanship, able to withstand time.
This distressed me a bit….I could not imagine settling in that small town. Thankfully I didn’t have to. I saw the gym I used to ride my bike to was turned into a romantic Italian restaurant. The very first gym I boldly joined, on my own with my babysitting money, just to get out of the house and have my ‘me’ time. I had 3 other siblings….I lived in a madhouse. I rode my bike everywhere (and still do to this day)
My sister took us to my Grandparents gravesite. Where I bought some flowers to put in the vase on their gravestone. My grandparents thought to be thrifty and only bought one plot for both of them. So I stoically and reverently paid homage to them, with my daughter. Silent look heavenward toward stuff I don’t really know about nor understand.
[Recalling my mom’s and brothers ashes are scattered in the rocky mountains together, someplace near Nederland Colorado.]
So to have a place…where there is family long gone…and most of them are there and yet had been in my life and helped shape me into who I am today…there’s no words for the feelings that washed over me.
[Actually it was a bit morose what my grandparents did, they purchased their gravestone and had their names put on it with their birth dates. Their death dates not on ….but they also bought their cemetery plot. They didn’t want it to be a burden for when their time came. So what did my silly siblings and I do? We’d put flowers on their stone as they were still living. Even as they weren’t dead yet. My Granny would have a fit….my grandpa would just smirk. “We’re not dead yet!” Well hey, if you put the stone up as such….you’ll get flowers from us!]
So many memories flooded me. I let them come…wash over me and flow over and thru me. All while I stuck my tongue out to catch the snowflakes.
I also saw a bit of turmoil from my sister. Shes unable to get pregnant too and has been trying a few years. She’s only tried one medication for it…she’s deciding to self medicate a bit. This…is most distressing. I don’t want her to go down that path, the one I did. It’s easy to want to do…I can only hope she manages to overcome her heartache. Naturally I cannot help her see what she needs to do there. She needs to do it for herself.
So to have an appreciation for living as you are surrounded by death…I realize you need to honor those that are no longer with us and truly fully L I V E. They would have wanted you to, of course too. Why live in a shell or as half a person when there is so very much to see and explore in this world that we don’t ever ask to be a part of in the first place.
I came back here…with such a heartfelt appreciation for where I am now in my life. Knowing absolutely anything is possible if we just look for it, seek it out and nurture it and trust in the path it takes us. I feel in planning the move down here, and going thru what we did….we lived. There’s far more sunshine and longer days to share with loved ones, even if its with yourself.
Growing up…growing older and just growing is tough. Fortunately I’ve done it with much love from within, for others. Despite all I’ve been thru I still have this light and love, for everything. That’s really something, really something indeed. I’m also not done living yet.