Sinking, synching and linking

I believe we have three selves. Our public self; the one we show when we are in public and in the worlds view. Then we have our private self; this is who we are among close friends and family. Here is where we let a little more or our compassionate side be revealed. Then there is our secret self; this is the person we are when we are alone. The person we are when we dream. The person we are that we have no desire to show others.

When these three meet….you’re in harmony.  I think you then reach your authentic self.    There’s some fascinating things that happen when you tap into that mode.  I think that taking time out for yourself is imperative.  Do something everyday that allows your core self…your soul to be happy.  Yet once I’m living authentically I cannot seem to go back to the other selves that other people so easily seem to have.  I’ve inherently known that I could not find harmony in keeping such segregation.

Where I manage to find comfort and substance has always been in Buddhism the last 10 years.  It has always spoke to me, on some ancient level.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve always found comfort in it’s teachings, what it had to say I was able to apply to my authentic self.

My initial journey into Buddhism years ago was superficial as I was in denial regarding my alcohol addiction.  As I struggled to overcome I stumbled with some of it’s teachings.  (Funny how a reformed Catholic girl can have such firm beliefs of reincarnation at a young age, yet at this age now?  I’m not so sure of it.)  SO I’d go thru all the teachings ticking them off mentally with ease yet found when it came to alcohol and sex and death I couldn’t be a Buddhist!  Screw that I’m jumping into oblivion because I can’t cope.

Yet much of Buddhism (as with other religions or twelve step program – hey anything to keep you floating) is putting it’s principles into practice.  Once I decided to deal with my addiction, because I should value myself. I could truly know peace.  The link below you will have to copy and paste into a browser to view.  No idea why…it’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

http://www.religioustolerance.org/buddhism1.htm

Things for me tend to leak into whatever it is I’m doing or where I happen to be, being in this authentic state.  So often I’m finding truly watching other people…I’m completely fascinated. What they say and what they do are very different things and it’s watching their struggle I’m very aware of.  Add another dimension of being “On line” they are different yet still!  Yet they cannot understand why their life is in turmoil?  Hey ….I’ve been there, turmoil.   Often people cannot SEE they are creating their own turmoil, adding to their own dramatics and caught in a spiral out of control.  Is your word your bond?  Will you be somewhere when you say you’re going to be there?  Making continual efforts to strive is imperative, for the sake of your integrity.  You owe it to yourself.

So yes I highly recommend slowing down and reconnecting with yourself.  You just have to….for if you don’t you’ll not be completely and truly happy.  So not only slowing down but sharing your true feelings with your partner in life help too.  It opens all kinds of doors and windows…let’s in new light and fresh air.  Perhaps I find far too much magic in life, even as it’s surrounded by continual turmoil and death.  I believe in love, astoundingly…always.  I’ve decided to love myself, see.  This is a very difficult thing for me to do.  So I force myself to do it daily.  Living authentically is highly freeing. You know what…it’s paying off too I should not stop these efforts.

I find this all very fascinating…the links below make for a good read.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/cherish-your-challenges-to-find-your-authentic-self
http://advancedlifeskills.com/blog/what-does-it-mean-to-just-be-yourself

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fear, eat it don’t feed it

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~ Marianne Williamson ~

Honey, I’m home

pwer

It’s within each and every one of us to change our situation….our life….our perspective.   This new year, has really been an awakening for me.  I’m not sure this was intended however it’s welcome and very much appreciated.

My life extends far beyond my kinks and BDSM.  Those are facets to it that merely speak to me, a lifestyle I will always love being a part of.  So when I had planned a trip to visit my sister after 4 years I wasn’t expecting all that came with it.  I just wanted to see and be with my sister afterall, reconnect and just be in the moment.

Well the few months that lead up to it were laden with her self doubt.  I kept reassuring her “I’m coming” (now,  let’s not get into the gutter with this) “I’m visiting you, YES I will be there.”  I think when you have a family dynamic where your mother passes away early in your life (essentially the glue that holds all together) what manages to remain is laden with self doubt, frustrations and emotions from all close family that’s left.  So I pushed forward…

I’ve not been back to that area of Illinois since my sister’s wedding 5 years prior, at that time I was nearly 200 lbs and in a very dark place.  I believe I just said “fuck it”.

So fast forward to now, I’m now light years lighter and back to myself.   Illinois was greyer than I recalled.  My sister herself looked far older and that was a bit of a shock.  She’d always been bubbly, Most Valuable Player (MVP) in highschool, the captain of the dance team.  I was never really envious of that it just suited her spazzy personality.

My sister, she was always upside down if you ask me.  Literally doing hand stands and flipflops with my late brother, the absolute artist and comedian.   I gladly chose to be their rock and such, it suited me.  Mama hen.

So once back in the small town off old route 66,  I did not expect to
feel my fifteen year old self smirking at me from within.  Giddy…taunting and wiser than beyond her years.  “Look…at how far I’ve come!”  So I did.  H A R D.  I loved what I saw too.  So much so… I wanted to dance from it, so I did.  In the snow.

I think….I’ve never appreciated that small town as I did until this trip.  The beauty in the small creeks, the simple people around discussing the weather as if it’s their very lifeline.  Meandering about the local grocery store that I recalled going to, to procure a nights dinner.  My mother was terribly depressed when I resided there for 6 months at age 15 so, I looked after everyone.  I even quit high school for two weeks to help my Mom open her beauty shop as I aspired to be her apprentice, I ran her small business with her.

What a very different life I would lead had I gone down that path…

It snowed.  Not a little either!   I got to go snowmobiling even!  I loved it!  My knotty guy and I got into so many snowball fights, he oddly always managed to hit my ass too as if it were a target!  God I was so bored after 3 days!
(You don’t hibernate see in S. Texas…not really.  Maybe hunker down in August and September….manage a siesta a few times a week to cope with the heat).  So laying around the house isn’t something I can just…DO after two days.

It was also quite special to see my sister and daughter reconnect.  If anything that was quite incredible.  I had no idea they were so very very much alike.  They didn’t know they had similar ways of doing things from eating around the same time daily to the very fibers in my daughters hair.  Am I sure she’s my daughter?  Hell yes my sister was in the delivery room with me as she was born (that wasn’t planned but I just went with it) Now, that’s a party!

What did I see?  Truly see?
[Aside from my sister very enthusiastically professing her love/obsession of the “50 shades of grey series” -Noooooooooo!!!  Plus why on earth would she tell me this?!?!]
Anyway, what I truly saw…. My sisters husbands love for her.  I saw my brother in law as a caring man and alpha male (hahahaha this is why we butt heads).  I saw my brother in law as being a homebody.  Not one for adventuring anywhere new or explore anyplace different.   They love a simple life, without plants or pets.  It’s a bit sterile considering they don’t travel.  I’m quite happy my sister has a home she’s made all her own and is no longer living at our old house.

I saw many of their friends that gathered, as being in relationships they wanted to get away from, no one really did anything about their situation except complain.  They didn’t really have any other place to go, so they all went to my sisters massive outbuilding and drank themselves silly.  While texting their teens as they complained about being under appreciated.  I also learned my sister plans to live out her entire life in that tiny town.  Their newly renovated home reflected craftsmanship, able to withstand time.

This distressed me a bit….I could not imagine settling in that small town.  Thankfully I didn’t have to.  I saw the gym I used to ride my bike to was turned into a romantic Italian restaurant.  The very first gym I boldly  joined, on my own with my babysitting money,  just to get out of the house and have my ‘me’ time.  I had 3 other siblings….I lived in a madhouse.  I rode my bike everywhere (and still do to this day)

My sister took us to my Grandparents gravesite.  Where I bought some flowers to put in the vase on their gravestone.  My grandparents thought to be thrifty and only bought one plot for both of them.  So I stoically and reverently paid homage to them, with my daughter.  Silent look heavenward toward stuff I don’t really know about nor understand.
[Recalling my mom’s and brothers ashes are scattered in the rocky mountains together, someplace near Nederland Colorado.]
So to have a place…where there is family long gone…and most of them are there and yet had been in my life and helped shape me into who I am today…there’s no words for the feelings that washed over me.

[Actually it was a bit morose what my grandparents did, they purchased their gravestone and had their names put on it with their birth dates.  Their death dates not on ….but they also bought their cemetery plot.   They didn’t want it to be a burden for when their time came.  So what did my silly siblings and I do?  We’d put flowers on their stone as they were still living.   Even as they weren’t dead yet.   My Granny would have a fit….my grandpa would just smirk.  “We’re not dead yet!”  Well hey, if you put the stone up as such….you’ll get flowers from us!]

So many memories flooded me.  I let them come…wash over me and flow over and thru me.  All while I stuck my tongue out to catch the snowflakes.

I also saw a bit of turmoil from my sister.  Shes unable to get pregnant too and has been trying a few years.  She’s only tried one medication for it…she’s deciding to self medicate a bit.  This…is most distressing.  I don’t want her to go down that path, the one I did.  It’s easy to want to do…I can only hope she manages to overcome her heartache.  Naturally I cannot help her see what she needs to do there.  She needs to do it for herself.

So to have an appreciation for living as you are surrounded by death…I realize you need to honor those that are no longer with us and truly fully L I V E.  They would have wanted you to, of course too.  Why live in a shell or as half a person when there is so very much to see and explore in this world that we don’t ever ask to be a part of in the first place.

I came back here…with such a heartfelt appreciation for where I am now in my life.  Knowing absolutely anything is possible if we just look for it, seek it out and nurture it and trust in the path it takes us.  I feel in planning the move down here, and going thru what we did….we lived.  There’s far more sunshine and longer days to share with loved ones, even if its with yourself.

Growing up…growing older and just growing is tough.  Fortunately I’ve done it with much love from within, for others.  Despite all I’ve been thru I still have this light and love, for everything.  That’s really something, really something indeed.  I’m also not done living yet.

Sudden Movement sparked from within

“That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great state of Alabama. And that’s what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.”~Forrest Gump

Living out loud more…popping in on line – making a splash and having at it.  I’ve had a whirlwind 6 months and I’m not always prepared to write what is happening as it’s happening here.  Sometimes things happen in your life that you don’t feel like sharing because you’re trying to process it yourself.  I’ve many friends in the BDSM community that may decide to check in on me here and see if I’m available or what I’m doing with him or her or now.  It’s like living in a fishbowl and I prefer to stay within the confines of my castle at times watching until it’s dark outside and I feel safe to come out.

I’m gregarious, yes.  I don’t mind interacting socially.  However often the consequences of doing so in a BDSM environ is not something I enjoy.  If I’m quietly pursued and folks raise eyebrows and message me –  it’s the attention I don’t really seek that keeps me humble.  I’m mindful of the love I have and how far I come,  fiercely so that I wouldn’t throw it away for anyone.  The pond can be crossed and relationships could change.  However if people don’t wish to there’s nothing you can do for them until they decide otherwise.  Sometimes I’d love to whack people with a stick, men mostly at this point.  I think I’ve decided women are far too emotionally involved and wrapped up in themselves for me to consider some outside relationship with them.  However never say never, in time I’m sure I’ll cross paths with one that sparks an interest again.

So I’m active a bit again.  Walking in between running.  My kiddo is training for a 5k in April (I am too but I’m not telling her I am)  Some profound things have happened to me.  Mid life awakening perhaps (I should google that)  I’m in touch with my tranquil side now. I highly encourage meditation….Yoga tonight at 6pm.  (I can only hope I can move tomorrow, naturally I’ll slink from bed).

Speaking of midlife awakening…what is the impact of solar flares on human beings again?!??!  Hang on I’m googling…..

http://www.messagetoeagle.com/solarflareshumanhealth.php  JESUS.  Ok in a nutshell “Psychological effects of coronal mass ejections can result in headache, palpitations, mood swings, and feeling generally unwell. Chaotic or confused thinking and erratic behaviors also increase.”  Yeaaah no that’s not happening but the sex has been fantastic thanks. I think somethings wrong with me.  At least he’s alive. Still.  Thank fuck.

Truest of true’s, youest of you’s

“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

I found…in the last year that the more I worked so very hard to move in a direction that was littered with obstacles….the more elusive and frustrated I became. Yet when I stopped….focused on what made me happy in the smallest of of ways….my small steps became larger…and before I knew it I ended up zooming into the direction I fought so very hard to attack! How….strange that is!

It’s also a little deeper than that. I think …it really helps to just slow the hell down. Basically most of us do so very much in one day….but do we do anything for ourselves in it? Besides shower? Maaaybe hit the gym? We’re loaded down with all sorts of commitments and we check in with ourselves a few moments before sleep and think…what the hell? Where am I? Where did I go? Where have I been??? I want to be happy or healthy or travel here or with HIM ….well, what are we doing toward those goals realistically?! nothing=nothing. Best start endulging in yourself first!  The rest falls into place quite quickly then. *takes cover*

AHA moment within the BDSM Lifestyle…for me

Lifestyles Eco Trade-OffsSo I realized I was in turmoil…..in my Master going “ghost” on me in the last year and him focusing on himself (god forbid he drop me a note to say he was ok and possibly thinking of me) I had a year filled with inner tumult and turmoil.  Which was mostly internal for me.  I did however, choose to focus on others of course and re-building a life for them with me in it.

I think that was a success….I was able to lift my daughter and my knotty guy even as I struggled with myself in the last year.  Add to that my hip injury from Autumn 2012 my working out was literally put on the back burner.  Not out of wanting to stop I HAD to stop or I wouldn’t heal up.  So I stretched instead….talk about purgatory.  The smallest steps sometimes a few forward and if I pushed myself in any way I’d end up 3 steps backward.   This isn’t easy for me at all ever.  I’m impatient when it comes to myself.

So where am I now?  I OWN my collar.  Well…in a sense really.  I’m not giving it to anyone as of yet, I’d like to hang on to it for awhile.  I’ve been mastering myself you see.   (again, no easy task)  When I felt I needed to leave my Master I had come to the realization in no way could I ever compromise what had developed with my knotty man and me.  My hearts been opening back up to my knotty man.  That’s not easy either if you ask me.  safewordsafewordsafeword!!!!  Love isn’t easy for me…in fact I’m the first one kicking and screaming when it comes to it.  I think realistically in all I’d lost in my life….I feel it’s just easiest if I keep people at arms distance away.

This is nearly impossible when you add bdsm into your life.  You DO end up connecting and sharing with your partner.  WHOEVER you play with even if it’s a session.  The hormones and natural chemicals involved have you craving the sensations again INSTANTLY.  So you try it again – and again a giving and taking and giving a  little more each time.  It’s also why I don’t like to “play” with just anyone in the lifestyle in a sense.  I think many of us have addictive personalities and I for one would rather be hooked on exercise and sexual healthy habits vs. drugs and alcohol.  Why I opt out of imbibing in the latter.  For there was a time once when I imbibed far too much in alcohol and that took over my life and I went into fuck-it mode.

So what has much of this taught me?  I feel I’m a better person when I’m able to submit.  Eventually fully submit.  It’s not an easy thing for me even if I’m playing publicly.  “the others” fall away instantly enough because I have issues being tied up/down/all around.    So I end up acting out.  I don’t know WHY I just…do.  I’ve tried to sit still…but then I wiggle or I shoot my mouth off.  I’ve tried to be quiet and gagged but I find ways to escape in one way or another and I focus on getting out….regardless of how hard I’m getting hit.  Occasionally I’ll get hit very hard and that …..well that just pisses me off and I act out more.

I’m thankful for “meeting” my Master….for without him I wouldn’t be where I am today.  In a parting note I wrote to K….

“For without the adventure of having you in my life… My daughter wouldn’t admire me….now.  My knotty guy wouldn’t have become a successful shibari rigger and learned to be dominant and we never would have made a neat international rope business. Most importantly my xx and I aspired to co-habitate.  Change for the better.  I think he saw me differently and realized the force of me…doesn’t need to be contained just appreciated.  No matter what!  We both saw value in eachother….thru new eyes.  So this feels so very right.  He’s very protective of me for a change….and he’s learned to find his inner dominant!  (I honestly say I never saw that coming)

I’m no longer turmoiling within as we’ve weathered gentle storms this year, my knotty guy and me.  I don’t think I’m cut out to love two men.  You’ll always have a piece of my heart.   Not my collar anymore.  That’s mine.  To be given freely to whom I feel is ready to handle it-if I choose to even go that route.  I’ll be here for you of course….you can’t put blame on you didn’t do this or I overthank that….distance made this relationship difficult beyond anything.  I think it took it’s toll on you….on me.

I really feel you can do anything with the relationship you already have.  I think….that you just have to push a little.  Rock the boat should you so desire of course.  Unless you don’t like waves.  I like waves….(I generally get pummeled by them and lose my bikini top)”

Anyway what does this submitting stuff mean to me?  It allows me to feel feminine.  VERY much so….treasured…a bit cherished where I’m hard on myself.  I’m a natural giver so for me, taking is quite tough.   I don’t like foreplay on myself unless bdsm is involved…it’s too….slow and agonizing for me.  Vanilla sex is…..um….I’m not sure when the last time was I’ve had that.  It’s been…..15-16 years??!  I think BDSM also allows men to feel more manly.  More “chest beating-caveman like”  So there’s that beauty and beastlyness in it all.

So I’m engaged indeed….and my heart is scared of course for this direction.  I don’t wish to screw it up or anything and I hope that I can calmly explore this realm with my knotty guy and not fall into old habits.  So far ….so good.

Do I miss the Master?   I miss the idea of him….conversing with him I feel as if I’d lost a part of me someplace.   Part of me is sad for him that he will never choose to explore being a more “full time” master to anyone….I miss the challenges and small nudges and really just having him to talk with.  Perhaps he will rise up and seek to change his life for the better one day.  It’s hard to hide….what drives and consumes you.  It will take it’s toll in some way – eventually.

Anyway it’s not my path I’ve chosen of course….and I suppose what I’ve done takes courage.  A huge ball sack which I was aware I possessed anyway.

May you all find yours!