I’m busy

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I have always been a sexual creature.  I grew up in a strict Roman Catholic environment.  Attended church regularly (usually half asleep) and was in the church choir.  My Saturday mornings were spent going to CCD classes (which I’m not exactly sure what that stood for at the time). The classes were taught by nuns devoid of any makeup…or any signs they spent in any sunlight.  They didn’t laugh or smile either. Thankfully they wore “street” clothing.  (yet with their habits or hats).  Their demeanors were plain and really you don’t mess with the nuns. They meant business…. rumor had it you got hit with rulers or switches if you misbehaved.  If you ask me most of them had terrible breath.

I was attempting to complete my fourth sacrament (out of seven) when, as an early teen, I was filled with questions. Do I truly want to be Catholic?  What else is out there besides Protestants and Lutherans and Methodists and Jewish religions?  Who are jahovas witnesses?  Can anyone have a lovely beautiful wedding besides Catholics? Catholic priests couldn’t marry….why could other priests? There were female pastors elsewhere?

I saw this spiritual step as something important and I wanted to be certain I could be the best Catholic ever.  I prayed a lot…mostly because I sinned a lot. I lied a bit and regularly borrowed chalk from school.  Then I found out what masturbation was and that I really enjoyed that…and I was probably going to hell now because I had been sinning far too long.

So to repent I spent one full year not masturbating.  When the primal urge hit I would pray. (Mostly for the urge to go away).  I prayed a lot in my mid-teens.   I can’t really say that it helped….but I reached my goal.  I fucking opted to never go thru that again!  Was I saved?  No idea..but I was far more stressed I’ll tell you that!

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Excuse me while I try to understand the origins of Dominant behavior

I think.  A LOT.  I read….too much, I’m far too active in strange ways and I’m not a morning person.  When I manage to burst at the seams with my content… I need to write.  Noticing I have blog followers is a tad distressing to me.  SO I’m going to pretend you cannot see me nor I you as I am the great and powerful OZ in emerald city now. *adjusts thick green curtain*

Writing to music is lovely especially if it’s loud enough to blow the roof off wherever I am, even if I’m plugged into headphones.  (noooooo!).  I blew 4 speakers in my car in two years.  I need more speakers now…again.  Only because I love feeling the ground shake around me, who doesn’t? I will turn down my music at a stoplight at least…and smile and nod at you, to a beat only I hear.

So aside from doing hatha yoga, getting impact played and roped -YAY subspace!! Managing some cardio, dance classes, figuring out my life’s direction, running the rope biz, trying not to think of my former master going strange, learning/configuring my new android phone, trying to fathom people, contemplating becoming a part-time lesbian, yet trying to figure out a date for my upcoming wedding-will I squeeze into my old wedding dress within 6 months  (surely the top can be altered to look less 1980’s) yet planning our daughters 16th birthday extravaganza….I’m looking for a purpose for myself, looking and seeing beyond the reality of life and realizing the world and people are not what they seem.

Who and what we show the world in our daily lives is what we want the world to perceive who we really are.  Who we choose to show or hide from our partners in our non-married, married, cohabitating lives is different than who we show the world.  Yet who we are when we are alone at the end of the day can be someone completely different.  Does your secret side interfere with your daily life or blur into other areas of it?  Do you choose to deal with it?

Do you share THAT with anyone?  When all three of these areas meet you are finally living.  I strive to live fully in my life and endeavor to make all meet in the middle, blurring lines nicely.  It leaves little room for me to live falsely or compartmentally and that’s very freeing and works for me.

I suppose I struggled for a time to understand why people wish to Dominate others.  For awhile I felt I was naturally sadistic.  Turns out I’m just perverted and can tap into that, I have creative ideas and often they fly into my head if I am visually or mentally stimulated, aside from physical stimulation.  So I tried to label myself for a time as sadomasochistic for my own validation.  I really hate labels.  I really didn’t want to be masochistic.  I still struggle with that label and I don’t want to be that person, but I can’t deny she exists.  I’m reminded every few minutes or so.

In reading much on the topic of Sadism and Masochism I find the content fascinating and I’ll ever strive to continue to understand it. There is a lovely right wicked dance between a Dom and sub when you are engaged in a tango.  It lures me to fall into it and move into the haunting passionate waves of it’s dark beckoning beauty.  To deny it….you must be barely living.

So in my internal musings and wanting to comprehend Dominance on a human relation level… I reached out to fellow Dominants on fb.  Male and female of course. Most have photos of their work and are also on fetlife and really you can tell by getting to know people if they really know what they are doing and what events they are going to and just by talking with them.

Some of these people I’ve met in real life as well and when I do come in direct contact with a RL “truly masterful” Dominants (not to be confused with boastful overbearing obnoxious behavior) the air shifts around me.  The hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  This really has only happened a hand full of times, which…is fine.

Fb is a bit different however and much trickier to discern as far as real Dominants or Masters come or go.  Fortunately I have a fantastic group of true friends there in the lifestyle, backed up with credentials and references.   As far as fb goes on the topic of newbie Doms or fakes….really you have to start somewhere, I suppose and for me that’s where I unintentionally began far over 3 years ago as a submissive.  Mentally exploring anything is a very good way to go about feeling comfortable in the skin you seek to be in.  BDSM is 90% mental.  So I won’t really “frown upon”  those beginning their journey there. 

So I’ve been thinking a lot on Dominating behavior…where does it originate?  Are we born with it?  Is it a childhood fantasy we tend to take with us into adulthood?  What makes us feel this way?  Tingly…funny….mildly aroused at the thought of inflicting pain in others (some of us feel that way at the thought of receiving pain from others)

Convo on fb from Apollo Blake.  I’ve asked his permission to use his musings as topic of discussion for my blog.  He consented, however only if I called him Sir.  (well, maybe in his dream 🙂 )

Ladies and Gents, Vanillas and Kinksters, Sirs and Madams, Subbies and tarts….Sir, Apollo Blake.

Apollo B.  “I think it started when I was very young, I always used to feel my blood warming at the damsels in distress on tv, (my first childhood crush was Daphne from Scooby-Doo!) That was reflected in the games we used to play as kids, whether I was the cowboy tying the poor squaw to a tree, or the moustache twirling villain catching the squealing girls and tying them up, or to something, often gagging and blindfolding my victims, so I could tickle them and make them scream, then, when they started screaming I’d spank them, to silence them…”

Apollo B.  “Puberty brought with it a realisation that I was hooked on that heady, voyeuristic feeling of power, I found that I would fantasise about tying up the pretty girls and cutting off their clothes…”

Moi:  “Did your thoughts ever, sort of, disturb even you? As they were ….not exactly vanilla? What of inflicting pain? It the helplessness that you like? (I really feel it goes back to feeling like a caveman in a way… women WANT to be conquered….men wish to feel validated).  It just takes the right circumstances and comfort levels for you to… venture there.”

Apollo B.  “Obviously the realisation that I was ‘sick’ in most peoples eyes, made me hesitant to engage with chasing girls in high school, as if I caught them, I’d want to tie them and make them squeal, (that’s why I have such a school uniform fetish, years of fantasy without an outlet!) My first experience of bdsm came much later, when I was about 18.  I went to collect some bits and bobs from a friend’s house, (he’s Jay Knightly on here, we were working together as lifeguards at the time.) He invited me in as his parents were out and there on the sofa was a pretty blonde in a bikini, hogtied, gagged and clearly utterly blissed out. He didn’t say a word about her, even though I must’ve been gawping at her the whole time, he gave me what I’d come over for and I left, my heart racing…Even now I can close my eyes and picture her, the navy blue bikini, the little striped welts across her bottom…”

Moi: “wow….(Yes I know Jay) you actually sound a bit like …some people I’ve asked on this.  Including my former Master, which is lovely. Thank you…..for sort of shedding some light. I guess its when we decide that its OK…and there’s a need in others that wish to play with our desires only then can we feel sort of validated and comfortable enough to understand and pursue it.”

Apollo B.
“Call me weird, or maybe thick, or naive, but it never occurred to me that there were girls out there who might WANT that as much as I craved giving it…”

Moi: “That’s fantastic! See, it sort of helps to reach out to others …..I’m glad that your experience was a positive one!  That’s really as it should be.  It’s healthy not to be bottled up!

Apollo B. “One of the things that Jay taught me was, and I quote- all life is like a play, be comfortable in your part, and play it well…I don’t mind if you cite me, as long as you’re not satirising me! Oh, and you’ll have to write a really gushing thank you on my wall, with sirs and everything…

Moi: “I can….but it might cost you. hahaha. I’m glad you embrace your inner you, outwardly!”

Apollo B. “You have to really, or madness follows!”

For the record Apollo, know you are Not weird, nor thick, or naive.  You are human and you evolve and you cannot be contained.  Thank you for sharing your personal journey.  I encourage all of you to grow and evolve for yourselves.  Never stop learning and realizing your desires!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadistic_personality_disorder
http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Sexual-masochism.html
http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Sexual-masochism.html

L-o-v-e ….when you give, you receive

I think this lovey Valentines stuff is delightful!  Always have …I mean any holiday I truly really get excited about.  I’m not really sure why.  So I have to share my excitement for no reason with everyone I know.  I’m passing out little valentines wherever I go tomorrow to people who perhaps look as if they need it most.  You know those people…they often are ones talking longer to others, alone, possibly even looking lonely, without a smile even on their faces and their brows furrowed. (someone should warn them I’m coming….)  Wait…that sounds bad.  fuck.  Nevermind YOU know…what I mean.

*OK FOCUS*
So I don’t scoff at the love muck stuff.  Without it I wouldn’t be here afterall.  Literally probably because I know I was born of love, so I was told.  My parents were still a bit young, and within three years of marrying my late mother was only 21 when she brought me into this world.  Apparently Mom was not overly orgasmic until after I was born.  (just…joy thank you mom, I’m a child produced of only one person orgasming.)  *wonders….if that has any effect on WHY I may may be possibly a bit overly sexual*

Speaking of sex and love, here’s a fun article I read and hey…for the few people that perv my site and the few that actually subscribe….don’t forget to celebrate your love for yourself for life…for more this Valentines Day!  Make it happy for someone at least!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pritchard/make-valentines-day-selfl_b_4745973.html

Processing…

Image Ok so THIS….is me (yes I know)  Now…two years ago….two months ago even….this wouldn’t be me.  I think I’m proud of my evolution.   Rope has always been a very hard limit for me.  I think it….has helped me immensely to have made my own rope a few years back.  Of course it helps my Sir and my fiance is quite a shibari rigger…and well we have a successful international rope business together.  So for me to have touched this rope…in it’s processing.  Singe it and bake it and measure it out….coil it up….it’s had a very good effect on me.  Not to mention the events I’d attend with my KK.  Watching him rig….watching him tie people up …(noticing ALL tied up people have lived thru it yet wanted more) has helped!

So what I’m trying to figure out….is the subspace I managed to reach just from getting roped.  aka rope space, ropedrunk.  I mean I wasn’t even overly played at all.  Just manipulated a bit…hogtied and stretched (escaping where I could)  The very bliss I felt after and the very incredible sleep I had last night….I’m trying to wrap my head around.

For one it was all very natural.  Natural highs and chemicals that make you completely question why people often imbibe in anything other than the complete nature of exchange when engaging in BDSM (and it’s effects chemically) on your bodies and mind.  [I don’t get why people smoke pot….I just never have.  It slows me down far too much and I think it smells funny and then you’re hungry-ravenous for no reason.  ooh ah let’s smoke all the time. no thanks].

So this for me….there’s no pain.  You float!  You’re in a bliss induced state!  With bliss feelings of life and you have absolutely puny thought processes.  None if any and it’s hilarious yet freeing!  WOW …..I’m still sort of coming down off cloud nine here and attempting to articulate.  Also for…having Fibromyalgia and being in a continual state of pain that I just go with (of course it helps I’m a masochist) and rarely take drugs for…do have all that suddenly alleviated was just …um, I’ve no words for.

It’s not just….that subspace does this.  It’s the fact that I’ve discovered there are varying degrees of it.  I’ve primarily impact played to a point I’ve reached subspace from it.  (With the marks to care for and appreciate after, often for the week that follows the play.  Including the subdrop which isn’t as easy to ignore.  You’re forced to rest in bed then…because your body has little energy for anything else – THIS is difficult for THIS antsy active taskmastery chick).  So for me to wrap my head around the fact that mere rope did this …..and for so long…I’m not sure if I feel it’s deserving or if I’m missing something or if I’m appreciative and greedy of it’s therapy.

Am I a rope bunny?  No…not officially….a rope slut maybe…but not just anyone’s afterall.  Regardless…I had to read up on stuff because I’m once again turning a page in my development.  I really do love being a subby tart.  Here’s a link I found interesting.  I’m going back to my bliss now.

http://ladylubyanka.wordpress.com/2007/09/30/observations-about-subspace/