I think. A LOT. I read….too much, I’m far too active in strange ways and I’m not a morning person. When I manage to burst at the seams with my content… I need to write. Noticing I have blog followers is a tad distressing to me. SO I’m going to pretend you cannot see me nor I you as I am the great and powerful OZ in emerald city now. *adjusts thick green curtain*
Writing to music is lovely especially if it’s loud enough to blow the roof off wherever I am, even if I’m plugged into headphones. (noooooo!). I blew 4 speakers in my car in two years. I need more speakers now…again. Only because I love feeling the ground shake around me, who doesn’t? I will turn down my music at a stoplight at least…and smile and nod at you, to a beat only I hear.
So aside from doing hatha yoga, getting impact played and roped -YAY subspace!! Managing some cardio, dance classes, figuring out my life’s direction, running the rope biz, trying not to think of my former master going strange, learning/configuring my new android phone, trying to fathom people, contemplating becoming a part-time lesbian, yet trying to figure out a date for my upcoming wedding-will I squeeze into my old wedding dress within 6 months (surely the top can be altered to look less 1980’s) yet planning our daughters 16th birthday extravaganza….I’m looking for a purpose for myself, looking and seeing beyond the reality of life and realizing the world and people are not what they seem.
Who and what we show the world in our daily lives is what we want the world to perceive who we really are. Who we choose to show or hide from our partners in our non-married, married, cohabitating lives is different than who we show the world. Yet who we are when we are alone at the end of the day can be someone completely different. Does your secret side interfere with your daily life or blur into other areas of it? Do you choose to deal with it?
Do you share THAT with anyone? When all three of these areas meet you are finally living. I strive to live fully in my life and endeavor to make all meet in the middle, blurring lines nicely. It leaves little room for me to live falsely or compartmentally and that’s very freeing and works for me.
I suppose I struggled for a time to understand why people wish to Dominate others. For awhile I felt I was naturally sadistic. Turns out I’m just perverted and can tap into that, I have creative ideas and often they fly into my head if I am visually or mentally stimulated, aside from physical stimulation. So I tried to label myself for a time as sadomasochistic for my own validation. I really hate labels. I really didn’t want to be masochistic. I still struggle with that label and I don’t want to be that person, but I can’t deny she exists. I’m reminded every few minutes or so.
In reading much on the topic of Sadism and Masochism I find the content fascinating and I’ll ever strive to continue to understand it. There is a lovely right wicked dance between a Dom and sub when you are engaged in a tango. It lures me to fall into it and move into the haunting passionate waves of it’s dark beckoning beauty. To deny it….you must be barely living.
So in my internal musings and wanting to comprehend Dominance on a human relation level… I reached out to fellow Dominants on fb. Male and female of course. Most have photos of their work and are also on fetlife and really you can tell by getting to know people if they really know what they are doing and what events they are going to and just by talking with them.
Some of these people I’ve met in real life as well and when I do come in direct contact with a RL “truly masterful” Dominants (not to be confused with boastful overbearing obnoxious behavior) the air shifts around me. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. This really has only happened a hand full of times, which…is fine.
Fb is a bit different however and much trickier to discern as far as real Dominants or Masters come or go. Fortunately I have a fantastic group of true friends there in the lifestyle, backed up with credentials and references. As far as fb goes on the topic of newbie Doms or fakes….really you have to start somewhere, I suppose and for me that’s where I unintentionally began far over 3 years ago as a submissive. Mentally exploring anything is a very good way to go about feeling comfortable in the skin you seek to be in. BDSM is 90% mental. So I won’t really “frown upon” those beginning their journey there.
So I’ve been thinking a lot on Dominating behavior…where does it originate? Are we born with it? Is it a childhood fantasy we tend to take with us into adulthood? What makes us feel this way? Tingly…funny….mildly aroused at the thought of inflicting pain in others (some of us feel that way at the thought of receiving pain from others)
Convo on fb from Apollo Blake. I’ve asked his permission to use his musings as topic of discussion for my blog. He consented, however only if I called him Sir. (well, maybe in his dream 🙂 )
Ladies and Gents, Vanillas and Kinksters, Sirs and Madams, Subbies and tarts….Sir, Apollo Blake.
Apollo B. “I think it started when I was very young, I always used to feel my blood warming at the damsels in distress on tv, (my first childhood crush was Daphne from Scooby-Doo!) That was reflected in the games we used to play as kids, whether I was the cowboy tying the poor squaw to a tree, or the moustache twirling villain catching the squealing girls and tying them up, or to something, often gagging and blindfolding my victims, so I could tickle them and make them scream, then, when they started screaming I’d spank them, to silence them…”
Apollo B. “Puberty brought with it a realisation that I was hooked on that heady, voyeuristic feeling of power, I found that I would fantasise about tying up the pretty girls and cutting off their clothes…”
Moi: “Did your thoughts ever, sort of, disturb even you? As they were ….not exactly vanilla? What of inflicting pain? It the helplessness that you like? (I really feel it goes back to feeling like a caveman in a way… women WANT to be conquered….men wish to feel validated). It just takes the right circumstances and comfort levels for you to… venture there.”
Apollo B. “Obviously the realisation that I was ‘sick’ in most peoples eyes, made me hesitant to engage with chasing girls in high school, as if I caught them, I’d want to tie them and make them squeal, (that’s why I have such a school uniform fetish, years of fantasy without an outlet!) My first experience of bdsm came much later, when I was about 18. I went to collect some bits and bobs from a friend’s house, (he’s Jay Knightly on here, we were working together as lifeguards at the time.) He invited me in as his parents were out and there on the sofa was a pretty blonde in a bikini, hogtied, gagged and clearly utterly blissed out. He didn’t say a word about her, even though I must’ve been gawping at her the whole time, he gave me what I’d come over for and I left, my heart racing…Even now I can close my eyes and picture her, the navy blue bikini, the little striped welts across her bottom…”
Moi: “wow….(Yes I know Jay) you actually sound a bit like …some people I’ve asked on this. Including my former Master, which is lovely. Thank you…..for sort of shedding some light. I guess its when we decide that its OK…and there’s a need in others that wish to play with our desires only then can we feel sort of validated and comfortable enough to understand and pursue it.”
“Call me weird, or maybe thick, or naive, but it never occurred to me that there were girls out there who might WANT that as much as I craved giving it…”
Moi: “That’s fantastic! See, it sort of helps to reach out to others …..I’m glad that your experience was a positive one! That’s really as it should be. It’s healthy not to be bottled up!
Apollo B. “One of the things that Jay taught me was, and I quote- all life is like a play, be comfortable in your part, and play it well…I don’t mind if you cite me, as long as you’re not satirising me! Oh, and you’ll have to write a really gushing thank you on my wall, with sirs and everything…
Moi: “I can….but it might cost you. hahaha. I’m glad you embrace your inner you, outwardly!”
Apollo B. “You have to really, or madness follows!”
For the record Apollo, know you are Not weird, nor thick, or naive. You are human and you evolve and you cannot be contained. Thank you for sharing your personal journey. I encourage all of you to grow and evolve for yourselves. Never stop learning and realizing your desires!