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Grinding the gears

“The nearest way to glory is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be.” ~Socrates

So upon much reflection and more small tweaks, twerks, grunts and groans in my life, I had a few more “aha moments”. (Goodness I’m filled with those at this stage in my life). For one, I was the one who left the master. Really all is boils down to is this…I was worth more. I am far more valuable and do not deserve a man who could only be in my life in a part-time capacity. He was married. Initially I’d accepted that and over time it really it ate away at me. I’d realized I was at one point only living a within a beautiful mind…was it my own? Yet the tumult and turmoil of my divorce and a job lay off in my real life set the stage for a really dreary existence when I wasn’t connecting with the Master.

What did I manage in a year? I flip-flopped. I now live a gorgeous life, real time… the one I’d always imagined. I have a man who would move mountains for me and has. My days are filled with light…love and challenges, not to mention opportunities. I’m quite proud of myself for having the balls, for being true to myself and my values, and for living with intention. Continually following through with what I say I’m going to do is important to me. Only because I’ve been disappointed by others, that have not. I’m not a living in the shadows kinda gal.

Really I was just feeling sorry for myself.

Naturally, I did something about it.

There’s something to be said for antidepressant medication that does not infringe on ones sex drive. My cloud has lifted. Literally…and I can see! Wow that was one heavy cloud. I don’t have the best coping skills when I lose a loved one. Life is tough and it’s getting up every day to battle it. It’s helpful if you’re on the same side with your demons.

I was sort of mess…however I’m working on getting that sorted, most of all. I am my own worst enemy and I really really continually NEED to make conscious efforts to love myself. Make it a continual priority and you know what…I do something daily that my future self would appreciate. So whoever is out there…reading this…Don’t forget to love yourselves most of all. (It’s easier said than done).

I think I also realized that I don’t have anyone expecting anything of me. Aside from my daughter, and I find my parenting skills come quite naturally and a bit of a breeze. I strive only for her, and in her life. So I had to take a step back…to understand why I don’t strive for myself let alone anyone else.

Can I set my own goals and expectations? I hope to! I think it’s best to start small and fortunately I have a few good habits put back into place again. aaaand breathe. I can’t say I rely on others much in that regard and I really don’t actually like to. I’m very guarded and there’s reasons for that. On a side note my garden will kick ass this year. Moving rail road ties will sort out anyone in a day.

My heart beats LOUDLY

Fuck I miss my Master. There I’ve said it. I’m vulnerable…normal…real….I’ve never had anyone lift me, meet my mind as he did. Sparred with me…challenged me! One who cared to shift my focus…dared.

Where am I? I’m not sure…back to basics. I’ve lost far too many people in my life and this…brings up such feelings of the losses I’ve had.

My current Dominant…was my x husband. I was Dominating/Domineering in that relationship. That was another chapter in life I don’t care to reflect on.

Let us take a moment to process that last sentence. Actually, I support him tremendously. I know he’s changed. Actually I owe that to my Master. For without having had him in my life I would not have changed either. (ripple effects are funny that way).

However now in my existing dynamic we still have our quips and quirks…when I bring up something I’m doing …my Dominant can be negative. Can’t say he’s on board with me at times. I’ve brought this up with him of course. Yet I feel like he wants me as a trophy on his shelf. So I just know in all the things I aspire to do…I have to prepare for battle. Shields and battle armor and boots (with proper documents!!) which can zap my energy in the process alone!

Hell perhaps I feel too much, if anything. I absorb much when I’m with people. Do you do this? Feel energy from others when they are in direct contact with you?

For now I bike, hike, run…and deposit any rubbish I find in a recycling bin. Yet I can only try to recycle me. Reduced, reused…recycled…

So my heart beats…sometimes I have to shift my pillow so I don’t feel that pulsating loudly within my own ear…Sometimes that’s all I feel in a day in my life. Such is life I suppose.

“A stitch in time saves nine”

Meaning “A timely effort will prevent more work later.”  I’m trying to patch myself up continually.  Just now for example, I’m on Antibiotics for a kidney infection that stemmed from being consensually used and abused (it’s bdsm it’s ok, it’s how I roll).  Oh yes it was worth it….maybe.  However I often prefer to report such stuff as I’m on the upswing, seeing the light type stuff.   Not while I’m in the pit of despair so to speak.

I hate doctors.  Hate is a strong word ok I’ll retract that…I dislike doctors because I view them as an ultimate last resort.  I don’t always feel as if they are hearing nor listening to what’s going on.  What people are telling them. They have preconceived notions of who and what is supposed to happen.  (I knew a man that had a heart attack in an airplane when he was 30, he didn’t make it).  Doctors tend to think “you’re too young for…”  and that’s just not right because you know what, medicine is a science! Listen to people with your heart and your ears and FEEL and assess them with your hands… not only with books!  (never mind I threatened this Doctor)  I can’t recall his name of course, however he wore a lot of silver and turquoise bracelets.  Additionally, he was nice looking for an older man.  “Ok so none of this medicine you’re giving me will be mucking about with my sex drive now correct?  If that’s the case it’s over between us” I told him.  (Yes….I do that….speak my mind, even to strangers I’m not sure how I have the nerve nor where it comes from).  I told him “it’s all I have – to cope!!”

This midlife stuff is important apparently.  Am I continually crisising?  I know I zoom in and out of focus mostly.

My health report card came back shining….Now, if only to get rid of the infection faster. Oh and I may have a few more tests for stuff I’d rather not discuss but mainly an MRI isn’t something I’m looking forward to, financially. 

So this patch up is the physical kind.  I’m forever trying to patch myself up internally.  I know enough that I should throw myself out into the world after a “blow” or “loss” or “heartache”  the thing is I don’t care to do that.  I’ve never done that sort of thing.  Yes I’ll go work out and begin some new fitness thing…however when it comes to just meeting people for coffee and being social for the sake of living and breathing and connecting with other beings….it’s not for me (you’re supposed to feel good or something when you’re around people).

I end up feeling even stranger when I’m mulling about with the vanilla’s.  I’m often not like normal type of people…I don’t go to church regularly or attend potluck parent teacher things….I have way too many hobbies and interests.  Women my age look at me as if I have two heads.  (I might).  “Where do you get your energy?”   “Where do you come up with this stuff?”  They often feel they cannot bring something to the table, so to speak….so they go off to be like other chicklets and moms.   Which is fine I don’t really want to be around that stuff I suppose. I’ve done that already a decade ago.

Should you find me at a book group I’ll be the quiet one that suddenly bursts into some passionate slant about something the character did (which may or may not be sexual) and I often leave people rather stunned. However it’s a good stun…they just don’t know what to do with me. I don’t consider myself antisocial merely anti-boring. I feel as if I operate on an entirely different level than many people.

This leaves me with a lot of time to read…or paint or dance or make some jewelry and do yoga.  Which means my head may begin spinning and talking to itself.  I’m my own best company for the most part but sometimes when I pass a mirror I am not sure at the person looking back at me.  She’s really quite cute, classy, even impish, awww how sweet… what the hell, is that me?!

Yet who I am envisioning on my inside is some wise old woman with knowing eyes, ambiir/white long flowing hair, tan and muscled, wearing a myriad of colors. Her state of dress is very eclectic… very bohemian inside. It’s the wicked black horns that grab your attention, sticking out of her head. (those were pridefully grown and she sharpens those). Yet she can sing one hell of an alluring sirens song. She literally holds a ball of flames in one hand that pulsates…ignites and barely illuminates at times…anyway…

I’m glad I cannot draw anything more than stick figures.  Below is a little something worth looking at.  For when we are changing or aspire to change, even the smallest of habits…a door or window opens up someplace within us all.  (right now if you open the window it’s a bit chilly and windy) give it a month….and maybe the breeze will be sweeter, warmer….and possibly even alluring.