From Top to Bottom


Bondage Expo Dallas was spectacular!  It was a whirlwind of wow; education, rope, meeting new people, rope, rope space-subspace,  rope marks, play bruises and more rope, then finally folks from Europe and Japan I’ve only heard of and needed to meet.  I literally had to switch gears from being focused and in Dominant mode to submissive.  It was quite something to get away for a three day weekend.  It was hardly relaxing.  At times thrilling and definitely information overload!  Worth it all!

Naturally, I brought all sorts of outfits and boots and shoes, a gal has to make a memorable impression afterall.

So what I didn’t anticipate was that I’d have such a hard time getting into a submissive mindset.  Friday I was agitated and antsy having my hotel workout interrupted to have to go and register. I lost one earbud to my headphones (but found it later in my purse) I went to bed thinking I’m the worst submissive on the planet and I’ve made a huge mistake in attending. I can never possibly be at the calibur of some of these amazing rope bottoms. Saturday; Rope took care of that.  What did I learn from attending clover (and WyckDave’s) Bottom class?  I can snap out of subspace faster, when pain is applied!  I’m absolutely excited about this! 

So, because I’ve had such a huge issue with rope and I’m dealing with it’s phobia of it, I’ve been working on proactively for nearly 3 years. I hit ropespace HARD within 10 minutes of being tied up in it.  The rope dragging along my skin, for example, makes me light headed and euphoric that’s when I know I’ve only got about 5, 10 minutes before descending into that wild ride that could keep me blissed out for several hours to a half a day. Then there may be subdrop. This really has been pissing me off actually, it’s also why I decided to begin running again, to assist with endurance.  Apparently upping ones protein helps tremendously too while you are trying to power thru subspace to get back into normal functioning mode.  Powering thru and recovering faster is key.  

So pain is my bridge.  *does a merry dance yay!!! I love pain!!*  This technique was applied while I jumped into  Stephano(Bird of Prey)Laforgia’s “Dominating the Scene” class I entered half way thru to spend time with my knotty guy.  I had no intention, going in I’d be bottoming with my Dom, and in a class scene, or as I call – it in Public.  I think that works best for me, you know ….not knowing a damn thing or going in to be played, much less end up dancing or being on stage.  I tend to thrive in spur of the moment decisions based on the very thrill of it all.  The best laid plans and having some sort of expectation can be a pain in the ass, literally.
So I got to DM the large play party (dungeon monitor) for my first time ever.  What made that most special was with the Dom that taught my certification class through the Alamo City Training Academy. It often amazes me, the energy us kinksters have in this lifestyle. Energy it’s constantly exchanged, and even moreso when you’re actively playing together. The play party Saturday night was incredible.  Later on I received a sadistic massage.

I got to watch my knotty guy tie up some authors of erotic dark BDSM/Taboo fiction. I was thrilled to have brought them all together.  They were rather kinky for vanilla folks.  Their first experiences getting suspended made my night (naturally I watch this in awe and notice everyone lives and they all come down beaming.) This helps my rope phobia I’ve been working on immensely. I saw so much fun, nudity bits, even penises. Often penises need to be covered up at many events.  I don’t mind penises being on display at all.  Its really strange seeing such stuff after awhile as….you totally forget people are unclothed. I may have even lost my clothing myself at one point.

So what’s most humbling is that you realize that everyone else is in awe of everyone else at the same time. There’s always something to learn, from even the most advanced possible riggers, to seasoned riggers to just the bedroom bondage folks to the new folks starting out. It was fascinating hearing the more professional riggers describe how they felt at the beginning of classes or after professional performance, that even they needed more tweaking and practice! Furthermore down the line in speaking to and hearing from so many riggers and rope enthusiasts they all felt the same; that they had a long way to go yet, were inspired and wanted to practice more too. So my fears and insecurities are justified, we all are in this together, constantly learning new things. I’m really thrilled Dallas was able to host such an event, for learning and teaching and growing. All very very interesting all around. 


Exotic Easter

The fetish ball this year did not disappoint. There was a little confusion around some of the acts that were being done and the dancefloor being occupied by small skits of crossdressers, go-go dancers, fantastic gay males dancing on poles and entertaining us with ariel acrobatics.easter

I’d hoped to get in some dancing, but really the setting this year was not really receptive to it, you just didn’t know when another stage act would occur. Best not get on the floor and start going crazy only to be interrupted. (when I go out there I don’t come back until I’m sweaty or panting for water) In the past the Easter fetish ball was held at a theatre, that had a stage, so the dancefloor doubled as this apparently this year, at the new venue.

The costumes were amazing, people had gone all out, most men wearing suits or elaborate costumes or very little. I opted for a skull themed romantic pirate wench costume with my feathered tiny skull tophat, and my black vinyl corset and long black boots. exotic easter

The views were decadent and asses biteable. Costumed and barely clothed women were a sight to behold. Some of the people there were heads taller than 6ft. I felt quite short and laughted at the feeling, as If I was back in high school or in the amazon jungle. Regardless I enjoyed chatting with people, meeting up with folks I knew and meeting ones I did not. I’d forgotten this event allowed photography, so eventually I pulled out my cell phone to capture a few memories.

The professional photographers were tricky to dodge. I’m not one that enjoys my photo being taken for some reason. So I managed to keep away from some of those posing and snapping. However you can’t sort of help when people ask you if they can take your picture. (next time I’ll know to say “not now”)

I enjoyed the latex nipple painting immensely, in the shape of red hearts. The latex goes on cold and its a stimulating experience. Really, for me, taking that latex off is the main reason I got them painted in the first place. Ouchie!

Honestly who gets spanked on the dungeon stage at the back of the room. Apparently this chic. I new I had on some fun frilly lacy black and white panties under my gartered skirt getting a nice spanking, by her Dominant. Those pictures are someplace on the web…along with my silly and yelping facial expressions, eventually, with a red bottom as well.

I was absolutely thrilled one of the more seasoned Dominants in our community asked me to Co-Dom, along with her husband who was learning to Dom their sub. (yes she has two Dominants and I love that the one is being mentored) She was trussed up on the St. Andrews cross, topless with her nipples appropriately covered with black electrical tape. It’s been awhile I’ve done anything like that and it was the gals birthday, so she deserved some love. She got some nice smacks from me. I’ll leave it at that!

So what really made my night, was a complete surprise. The gal I’d helped Co-Dom had come to me about two years ago. Both herself and husband told me the story that exactly two years ago to very date (which also happened to be on this years Easter Fet ball) this sweet married couple enter into the local dungeon one night. They had exactly two implements. One was bedroom bondage ribbon cuffs and a small paddle they’d acquired at a local toy shop. The husband asked me to spank his wife for her birthday. I happily obliged, barehandedly. What made it different was that it was this womans first spanking not only publically, but from another woman…which happened to be the most erotic experience of her life, so she says. This of course was the spring board from which they catapulted into the bdsm scene. I was honoured that they even remembered me and humbled that I could help this couple explore a side of their kink they never thought to explore so fully. I watched her husband and Dominant florentine flog his wife

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Tunnel Vision

“To honor life, we must be willing to grow through what we don’t know yet, and outgrow what we know no longer fits us. We must be willing to give in to the process, moment by moment, realizing a new plot may be unfolding.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I’ve been a bit busy, blissfully so.  I’ve managed a complete turn around since January, this year.  The series of events around that time frame had me falling into the pit of despair.  The habits of old, in my ex-husband rearing their ugly head, I lost a dear friend to cancer and my only sister acting strangely toward me, just when I thought our relationship was finally moving forward (imagine that a family member acting strange) and my serious beratement of myself for falling for a man 6 thousand miles away that was already in a relationship.  I should have known better…he should have known better…but we didn’t seem to think.  Lovemuck does that.

I chose to do something about the state I was in.  As much as I didn’t wish to really give a fuck about going on, I had too.  There’s still things I needed to do and places I need to see, not to mention my daughter that I seem to manage to inspire. I needed to focus on the little things in order for me to see that life goes on, love renews, life renews, life grows and blooms and gets as tall as it can before it dies away, only to become something more.  A bigger part of the earth, a seed perhaps planted by a small animal, that suddenly blooms and grows perhaps into a tree, this time.  Circles of life continually renew and eventually grow, even from devastation.

So basically since January I’d really become quite unwell, I’ve had a series of kidney infections and such that left my Doctor stumped.  I had blood where it should not have been in some tests and out of the blue allergies to two antibiotics resulting in my throat swelling up. (that’s a weird feeling btw) I felt like crap but pushed on.  When I’m dealing with things I internalize.  I fix what’s going on, eventually.  If I wrote about every little thing it would be a bit self centered if you ask me and I’m not that way.  Additionally the pace I keep and the things that can happen to me in one day can make peoples head spin.  Anyway, I threw myself into the outdoors.  I wrestled with weeds, initially.  So invasive, prickly and some were so very thick!  In time I managed to find some were even quite beautiful.  Then there was handpulling crabgrass, it’s all natural and there’s no pesticides involved!  I found that to be addictive.  Then there was digging and rototilling my vegetable garden.  Digging holes is wonderful therapy, especially in limestone rocky soil. and eventually planting seeds, planting flowers, dividing plants, and planting trees.

Last week I received some really cool news.  I was just happy I was finally getting a steroid injection for my hip bursitis.  So my doctor waved me enthusiastically inside her office…”You…are interesting!!!” she says, pointing her finger at me and nodding her head.  (Well of course I am) It turned out I’d been battling an e-coli infection for the last 4 months and it had become quite severe.  Who…knew!??!  I don’t eat red meat generally so I’m not exactly sure how it was acquired.  In any case I’m fixed!  Healthy as a horse with an athletic heart beat to boast!  My Doctor is inspired apparently.

So in late January I began walking.  Walking became boring as I’d doubled back thru my subdivision and opted to got to a high school outdoor track.  My walks turned to running because I found walking to be too slow.   Additionally I chose to eat and perhaps fuel and fix myself from the inside out.  My natural diet of raw and vegetarian portions, removing gluten from my foods I consume and cutting my carbs, eating seafood and only occasionally choosing chicken.  I’m now am rather active.  I ended up going back to the gym because my laps around the track would end up somewhere around 12 and I had to pee.  It’s not fair being female…you can’t just find any bush it’s unseemely (but sometimes necessary).   I now run over 3 miles a day without walking 5-6 days a week.  I pump iron again.  I used to run a mile in 12 minutes, and within a month I’m now running a mile in 9.5 minutes.  I’m running a 5k on Mothers Day and I’m doing the relay for life, for the American Cancer Society.  I’m doing it for Dook this time, my friend I’d lost to cancer.  I’m not finished.  I’m focused and determined and possibly emotionally numbed.  For what?  I’m not exactly sure, but I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.  Incidentally everything I’ve planted, even the moonflowers are growing.  See, you can grow too, with a little bit of determination.go

L O V E this

From Fetlife, by khandroma‘s

How can you get someone out of your Soul?

You don’t. And you stop trying so hard. That ache is the Genuine Heart of Sadness. That ache is humanity. That ache is our part of the contract to live. We don’t always get to choose who touches us and how deeply. How do you make the hurt stop? How do you get a clean slate? How do you feel whole again?

You stop telling yourself you aren’t whole already. You stop trying to clean the slate that doesn’t need cleaning. You stop trying to purge what just is. And maybe, just maybe, the hurt will ache a little less, or the ache as-is will feel a little more bearable.

If it’s not a problem to be solved, perhaps you’ll find that you’ve already arrived at the solution.

“Bloody moon!” (pumps fist and glares into the sky)

Actually that was fascinating to see last night, waking up at 1:58am to see the moon eclipsing and looking a bit reddish. I get excited about such things and woke up my small familial team…they agreed it was worth the sight.

Our cats were going a bit nutty most of the night too as if affected by catnip. I was just attempting to watch a film I’d started which ended up being, much to my horror, a chick flick. [Chick-flick is a slang term for a film genre mainly dealing with love and romance and designed to appeal to a largely female target audience.[1][2] Although many types of films may be directed toward the female gender, “chick-flick” is typically used only in reference to films that are heavy with emotion or contain themes that are relationship-based (although not necessarily romantic as many other themes may be present).]

I am not one to imbibe in those…especially at this point in my life. I’m a bit intensely focused just now, my being extra horny is surely the moon’s fault! Watching a chick flick does not induce any sort of longing if you ask me. It’s sort of like watching a trainwreck in slow motion. Maybe I’m too much like a guy there, yet I’m certain there are other women that feel the same.

Last nights full moon was the first full moon since the harvest moon last Fall, how interesting. Perhaps it’s the promise of spring, the wildflowers popping up and fragrant air that seems to effect animals. All I know is when I looked up at that unique and rare sight, I felt suddenly quite small in comparisson. Of all the problems and pitfalls of society and in life; we’re miraculously here, living, breathing, slowly evolving. That is a profound thought in the scheme of things. Suddenly problems, worries, and such really seemed quite small too. You think, “How did people manage before we even got to where we are now?” We did, somehow, with far shorter lifespans. We learned, we grew in times of turmoil, and famine and war and isolation. How inspiring.

Behind the scenes (where I prefer to be)


A lot goes into a bondage or shibari shoot. There are always willing rope bunnies and professional models, yet when it comes down to it you often need a plan B. Artist types, s i g h (I say this because I’ve always been one of them). There’s the photographer setting up their equipment and making certain everything works. (we can only hope they know what they’re doing) There’s the ones to be in front of the camera, getting ready; hair, make up, accessories. They need this, that and the other thing! “With or without shoes?” they ask. There’s your personal time involved and interaction with folks that can tend to have no concept of time. “Time on TASK, if you please!” I always say. I nudge people along. Furthermore you’re going to break a sweat getting things to run smoothly. Regardless of who you are, the amped up energy of what could be is all around. Best be prepared for such. Finally there’s that momemt as you’re all ready and think, Now what? Having to come up with ideas. If you’re entirely fortunate the photographer and photographee(s) may already have a concept in mind. You ask the “bottoms” what they would like and it’s as if their minds go blank, as if you are pondering which ice cream flavor would you like. Actually I’ve been dabbling in a bit of directing these last few weeks. I know what looks good, I know what others want to see, I need to capture a feeling, a moment, a look, a longing. It turns me on as well, there’s an energy that’s there once you sort of break through the ice, so to speak.

I’ve a few (ok a lot) of offers to do photoshoots, only it’s really not my thing. I don’t see the point….then there’s evidence. You put yourself out there for all to see, and there’s a vulnerability in that. Which I’m not one that seeks that attention. I prefer to bring out the best in people. Then reward their efforts.

These marks sing! (the result of an inverted suspension) They turn me on, I want them. I want them on my skin, I want to poke at them (even if they are on other people) I want to know that they are with me wherever I go.

For now, I admire and appreciate. I’m just a work in progress. Surely, much like yourselves!

Living beyond the norm, consiouosly
This disgusts me. It’s entirely inhumane. The human race, really needs to evolve. I do my part, yet it’s never enough. The fast food and restaurant industries make this necessary, apparently.  Americans consume.  That’s what we do, we care less about our food, what’s put into our food and how it will impact our future. I really feel there are better options for how we treat what we eat and what we ultimately choose to devour, especially while we are on the go.  Otherwise we’re just an invasive species.  Am I a hippy or an “out there” activist?  No I’m an advocate for our future, I care, I value life.  There is nothing wrong with caring and compassion.  I don’t see food and need to eat it.  Actually passing by a fast food restaurant makes my stomach turn.  “Here kids, eat this 100 piece chicken nugget box and score a touchdown at the game!”  (I don’t want to know what’s in those) What we do on the run isn’t always ruled by what we believe.  We tend to fly by the seat of our pants and make spur of the moment decisions.  Did you know you can actually manage yourself and rule your body with your mind?  So by simply changing our outlook we can change a whole bunch of things…one thought, one person at a time.  It’s often astounding that we’ve even evolved to where we are today.  We still have a long way to go.

As for me I now eat a gluten free way of living on top of my natural and vegan preferences.  My body thanks me daily and I reward her for it.  The mirror doesn’t lie and I admire that person looking back at me with her newly formed muscles and grace.  When push comes to shove and I have a busy schedule of real life commitments or kink events, or a big impact play session that I know may occur at anytime…I eat merely for fuel.  The acrobatic sex is just the icing on the cake.

World Domination, a ramble, if you will…

By way of a British Accent and a purring gorgeous ride.  In no way am I fond of advertisements…but this makes me purr.  *gulps*  That’s all any well bred woman needs you know…a man who dares.  A risk taker, who dresses well, has intelligence, is street smart/book smart and knows how to treat (and properly mistreat) a woman, throwing all the social conforms out the window.

I firmly believe that all women would submit…if they had the right partner.  As I was a Mistress once and my literally presenting this ferocious statement to Domme’s (by the way when you do this …say in a kitchen, at a local dungeon and you’re the only one in the middle that’s an outspoken band of commanding Domme’s…as a subby Masochist you literally get a staredown and all chatter ceases and it gets very quiet) you could actually see their minds working to think on this before speaking.  Let the record be known the Domme’s I’ve spoken with agree quite adamantly, much to their chagrin (and my huge smile on my face).  The Dominants I have spoken with, as well, agree.  It’s choosing a side to play on that is really something that people prefer to adhere to, that’s their primary focus.  Some people can switch back and fourth with ease.  Some people think that being a submissive is degrading.  Some people think that switches are less than what they seek. Really it’s lack of information you’ve gathered and education that’s the worst crime. I’m guilty of it, I continually seek answers and question everything and learn all I can with a fierce enthusiasm!

I’ve spoken with many people in the community far and wide, most agree, best Dominants have experienced submission, initially (or at some point).  When I chose to go down the road of submission (btw I’d also recommend you try submission FIRST it’s much much harder going from Dom to Sub, my two cents anyway) I had it in the back of my mind…that I would perhaps consider going back to the “Domme” side because I’d become initially frustrated at submission and finding the right match, kinks, and mindset.  I’d initially felt much of it was degrading however, that’s all in negotiation and finding your right fit for your D/s or M/s dynamic.  It’s like learning to read music FIRST before you play an instrument vs. playing by ear.  Much harder to do if you’ve played by ear for a decade, learning to read music.  It’s as if you have to re-learn everything you’ve learned, for the sake of properly learning!  We love learning!

Incidentally I do love a nice ride.  I appreciate fine horses and fine cars and I do love to drive fast, with fancy maneuvering.  Once you drive in the snow and sleet and manage in black ice, you start to…challenge yourself a bit with 360’s or hand brake skids and actually rescuing people if they’re stranded in it.  As to the actor in this commerical, who played Loki in the Avengers.  I do find him a bit thin.  However confidence is always key in carrying out anything you wish to do (especially if you live through it the first time).  *expellation of breath* I didn’t realize I was holding it in as I’d watched the commercial.  *beaming with a smile*