Muttling through

Sometimes I have far too much to write about.  Breaking down the categories into subcategories can take a few days.  For now, I’ll just go with the flow and whatever spews from my mind will end up here.

I plowed through my birthday yesterday.  This can take a bit of mental preparation.  I think, when your mother passes away (it’s been 19 years) you sort of fall into this mind set of “why bother?”  It’s really weird having the person that co-created you not be around to celebrate your life.  I mean there was a time for about 10 years I just had my small cake say “happy day!” and I would unplug.  I wouldn’t answer my phone and I’d spent the day in nature some place finding my happy place, healing.  Unfortunately (or fortunately) when you have a child, they sort of end up doing things for you unexpectedly.  Which opens your heart, of course.  To this day that type of thing still stuns me.
I am completely humbled this day. Eventually, you learn to celebrate your own life on the day you were born.  The first on the left is from my knot knormal man. The right is from my Starfire teen. I’m not sure what I do to deserve these people I inhabit a home with, but I cannot imagine my life without them.  When I love, and give my heart, it’s unconditionally.  We may not always see eye to eye, I may have serious qualms about our relationship, I may try to redirect you into seeing other people instead of me, but in the end all I really want is for someone to hang on tight and never let go.  These two have never let go of me.  For that, I’m thankful.  Surely that’s what we all want in life?  Someone to open up to and hold tight with.  Exploring worm holes and knots and kinks and leaps and jumps and perils and stuggle’s and pitfalls. Obviously this can go very bad if you’re in a destructive relationship, one that takes instead of gives or drags instead of lifts.  Expressing yourselves fully, and emotionally can make a huge difference in your relationships.  Ask and ye shall receive.

So I didn’t shut off my phone or anything yesterday I just went about my business as usual. I don’t like a lot of ceremonial type of hype when it comes to me.  This really makes me squirm.  I don’t think I was prepared for the inundation of emails and facebook in-boxes and wall wishes (alt fb especially).  I just hit the gym (ok maybe harder than normal). Yet hurtfully and longingly missing that one wish from that one man that will forever have a piece of me, my Master.

He’s gone quiet this year.  Probably by choice or stubborn will, no idea.   Retreating into the pit of despair or into his self preservation mode.  Or perhaps out of his own “man-bro-boy” code.  Or over thinking “I’m better off without him or him without me”.  Mmm. yes, well how is that going for you?  I’m lucky to be alive if you ask me.  I’m not replacing him.  I never will.  (yes yes, I know I was in love with two different men but hey….it happened).  I cannot make it unhappen, I’m glad it all happened. I just wish it wouldn’t exactly need to end because I was never planning an ending.  I’m not going to obsess, I’m going to just keep moving and hope my heart catches up with my head and vice versa.

Anyway, I recently have been reading much about leadership and characteristics of stubborn will.  Apparently being stubborn is a trait of insecurity.  I’m trying to wrap my head around this because I had a fiercely stubborn Scotch Irish granny that was immensely stubborn!  (I looked up to her, additionally she was the only person who could identify with me and handle me).  See I’m stubborn too and now I need to explore that, stubborn stuff is a form of insecurity?!!  Say it isn’t so!  There’s good things about being stubborn!  Yes there is I tell you.  The stubborn are very interesting people!  I mean I’m always open to change, really I am.  When it comes to change, I may be resistant but I’m open to hear new points and views and adjust accordingly.

Does this make how we live our lives and our belief system stubborn behavior?  That’s why I’m not sure I get it.  I’m convinced that being stubborn however, with reason, is a very good thing. If you are able to hold your own against others who claim to be masters of manipulation and debate, then it is a good thing. Yet, it can also be a problem when dealing with authority figure or medical emergencies.

Interesting article here (and there are several on this topic) I thought I’d share.

Growing and adaptation and learning is key, no matter how little we do it.  Just don’t resist it and you’ll be fine.  My two cents anyway.


Ahhhhhhhh, I needed that

“To honor life, we must be willing to grow through what we don’t know yet, and outgrow what we know no longer fits us. We must be willing to give in to the process, moment by moment, realizing a new plot may be unfolding.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

When I play, I play hard.  It always has to have a bit of work in it for me then, at least, I feel productive.  Saturday I spent the day at the dungeon.  I was vending with tons of vendors and chatting with dozens of people; men mostly. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked to be played so much before in one day.  Followed by how I would be dominated.  It figures, as I was alone.  Naturally, I redirected. (men respond fairly well to this tactic).  Yes, I wear my collar, and yes I’m wearing my “buy our rope!!” t-shirt.  Does this stop many sadists from seeking to play with an actual masochist? nnnnnnnnope.

You have to hand it to D-types, as often times it’s a double edged sword for them.  If they seek out random s-types at the local dungeon it could come off as being preditory behavior.  So they remain vigilent and hopeful.  Yet, for most s-types they are not overly confident enough to ask just anyone to play with them for a night or an experience.  They come off as being “on something” or overly needy.  Especially if they are newer to the lifestyle.  It’s like, watching wallflowers at a dance.  No one approaches anyone, not easily, so folks don’t dance often unless its pre-arranged.  As I’m a natural conversationalist and facilitator, dominants perhaps, feel comfortable truly talking with me.  Again, redirection is key, perhaps offering ideas as to who may be seeking their services and where they may look to find their more permanent sub or slave partner.  I tend to be a natural problem solver too.

In conversing and as with everything I do I stick to “My chick code”.  I know I can have poly tendencies, however, I know my heart and soul I would be completely wrecked if I managed to fly in that direction.  I cannot share my fella and I don’t wish to involve myself in creating (or being in) a leather family or house. I prefer being strict and picky.  This serves me well.  I’m quite content in my life.  Why muck it up?  I’m not saying never say never…but for now, this works for me.

When I play with my partner, I play HARDER. So I’m on this demented rope journey and I’m pretty much a rope slut now.  Which, I’m absolutely am still trying to wrap my head around that very last statement because I bypassed the bunny phase entirely.  It’s all very interesting too because a lot of dominants that are “whack em’ cuff em’ types (as I once was) are slowly beginning to realize the power of rope.

The dungeon I frequent had a 6 month celebration Saturday.  It was a big night and we didn’t think we were able to make the evening festivities as work took precedence and birthdays as well. (It was my fella’s birthday Saturday and mine is *gulps* tomorrow).  Plans got changed and there was a window of opportunity for us to have a “date night”.  Anyway there was a packed house and tons of people and food and cake and so much to see!  I never intend to play when I go there for some reason.  I guess I don’t think much on it, as I’m delightfully wickedly content watching him rope. However my knotty guy had something else in mind entirely.

This time I was blindfolded.  Why on earth would we do things we’ve never done before in a dungeon?  I lost more than track of time, it seems I had an earring ripped from my ear at some point during our scene (no it didn’t do any damage and I can’t say I felt it flying ftom my ear). There were more pressing matters at hand I was focusing on.  Being sat on….while roped and roped with coir is rather spectacular! I also semi used my safe word for the first time ever (yellow, naturally). I’ve yet to use my normal safeword, which is red.  I’d rather bite my foot off before doing that.  So that was a bit intense for me.

Some things I’ve learned while being roped, that are completely different than being impact played:
1) No matter how much squirming you do, you cannot easily escape at all.  If you manage to get your hand free, it can and will be used against you and you may even get tied up tighter.  Inching away does not work because you cannot get very far…trust me, I’ve tried.  Best save your energy for a big move or defensive maneuver.
2) There is pain in rope 🙂  Hooray!!!!
3) I love being dominated. Never underestimate your Dom.  They do surprise you and it’s annoying and awesome at the same time. I love the sweat, the grit, the mess, the spittle, the fighting, the swearing, the carnality and the force and losing all sense of self or awareness of what and where I am. I don’t give a fuck as to what I look like. (just…please have some clothing on some place if we are in public or get it back on before I’m up and attempting to move again).
4) I had this overwhelming stupid urge to cuddle after the last scene we did.  Which….is horrid.  I don’t cuddle, generally.  So everything I read about cuddling…I unfortunately get that now and thank fuck I can go back to being a tough ass.
5) I not only hit subspace in rope but I manage to get a giddy silly rope drunk unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and it’s best I don’t drive.

Some things I’ve discovered about my personal subdrop in the 36 hours after playing hard:
1) I don’t always sleep the best because I have strange thoughts about what the hell happened earlier and was that me?!?
2) I feel elated and pain free for about 12 hours after scening.  I occupy my time with doing work around the house and busying myself and hit the gym until I feel I may fall over and need a cat nap.
3) The sudden and strange urge to cry passes, if you keep breathing deeply. (I hate crying it drains me and I’ve done enough of it for two lifetimes really mostly in my 20’s I don’t recommend that).
4) I have the silliest things happen when I “go about my business.”  The next few days all is normal, right?  Don’t mind me hitting strange buttons on the microwave, or not turning the coffee pot ON, or putting cat food in the freezer.  This stuff is rather funny and I manage to just laugh at it.  Comparing it, really, to something like the best sex ever that you can barely function the next day.
5) The soreness and ache sets in, as these things go.  It really does help that you prepare for this and are used to it by being normally physically active because then, it’s not so devastating.
6) I get insanely horny at the end of 12 hours and that is the fun part, because you can share that with your partner!

At the end of a big active weekend I highly recommend taking care of yourself, properly. Everyone should do that anyway, because if you don’t, who will?

Whirlwindy whippy weekend

I’m on fire, running with the flame, the passion touching people, letting them catch the fire, catch your Love. It never fades away, this passion deep in me, it’ll burn till the end of my days.

Varrooom! My weekend ran at full speed and at the spectrum of experiences, not to mention emotions.  Friday I participated in the Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society.  I was inspired and moved beyond measure; meeting all sorts of people touched by cancer.  Jogging at all sorts of hours through the night was a treat.  Additionally I won two raffles.  One was a $600 pamper self basket that included an hours massage, manicure and pedicure, not to mention enough beauty products to last two years.  I gave some to my neighbor’s, of course, I don’t really need all of that! Image

I have no idea who this lovely lady was.  However I had to meet her and tell her I love her hat.  (Then I asked if she would like to take a selfie) I think her name was Martha…or Margaret.  (I’m horrid with names) Zooming into Saturday had me switching gears entirely and slinking into a skirt I haven’t been in, in two years.  HELL YEAH!  We decided to head out to ropeapalooza at the local bdsm dungeon.  Not only did I reconnect with faces new and old but I had a phone number of a sweet yummy chick I met sitting in my inbox a few days later, S C O R E haha.  I think it was the oddest thing how one of the Dom’s handed me his 3′ whip and told me to go practice until I cracked it.  Naturally this drew a small crowd, including 3 other Dominants that had to give me some of their personal tips, as I practiced hitting the very middle of an unoccupied St. Andrews cross.  I managed to have a small flashthought, “Why, on earth did I listen to him?!”   I cracked that whip 4 times.  I hit the cross too after getting very very mad at the whip itself.  I think, initially I was a bit cautious.  Recalling a few years back as my 6′ bullwhip caught my ear. Ouchie!  I would practice attempting to crack the thing at lunchtime, in a park.  Really it’s for my own amusement, as I’m not looking to whip anyone.

With the pedal to the metal, I gunned it at full speed. I scened, accidentally, with my knotty guy. That wasn’t exactly something I’d intended and oddly seemed to, once again, draw a small crowd.  I thought he was just going to put me in a boxtie and I’d sit around that way in a nice stretch, however, it seemed to morph into a hogtie.   Things progressed a bit more as, he took off my fringy hipscarf, which left me in my “knotknormal” boyshort panties with my perky muscly asscheeks hanging out and thigh high stockings.  Vile male. I had this fleeting thought as I was lowered onto the mat under the suspension ring in a hogtie.  “Fuck!”  There’s a lot of things that tend to go through your mind you know when you’re tied up.  Only I wasn’t left to just squirm as as I attempted escape.  There’s this electric bug zapper we broke down, and re-purposed by added brass contacts.  Basically turning it into a shocking fun toy.  

It seems my knotty guy was prepared, dammit all! OUCH! I got shockzapped!  (Yelpy double Fuck) however,  I loved it!  (but I didn’t mean to really! Sometimes I don’t like to comprehend the levels of why I like what I do) add in a few smacks to my backside and hair pulling and neck grabbing I was starting to space fast as he asserted his dominance over me.  (so that’s when pressure point play is used, oooow! to snap me out of it).  So in getting the rope off there were some accidental and fantastic rope burns and marks!  Who knew I’d like rope burns?!  In all honesty I don’t want to know if there’s any sort of plan. I’ve never been tied or hogtied like THAT before.

Apparently folks love our connection and our interaction and energy?! I can’t say I thought on it much. I get very mad at times when I’m bound. Oncr that happens I’m operating on another level of fire and heat; that passion factor takes me over.

Eventually the play of everything, it all catches up with you and really, I’m glad that I am quite physically active now.  It helps me rebound much faster.  (except for the silly things that happen the next day like when you manage to put a can of dog food in the refrigerator type of thing and you can’t find where you put the can to feed the poor dog) So as for our little scene, that all wasn’t premeditated or negotiated. He knows me (and all of me from kinks to quirks) Trusting in my knotty Dom guy is still a bit new, yet oddly I managed.   I crave such treatment anyway. On a side note, It’s nice to know I can stay awake until 3:23am, comfortably.


Putting the car on cruise control Sunday had me in yet another mode entirely playing parent, with my knotty guy.  We took our daughter with some teens to the zoo.   Dressed in yet another skirt this day was perfect for slowing down, even as we walked most of the day.  I was still in a bit of la la land in my head but for the most part meandering and eating an ice cream cone really made the weekend quite lovely.  It was in the butterfly sanctuary that I received a phone call that I won another raffle.  A Photo shoot with unlimited outfit changes!  (WHAT?!?!)  eeesh so I guess I’ll have to figure all that out and cross that bridge when I come to it. Image

This guy was quite photogenic, so I had to take his photo.  I’ve named him Lou. So yes, It was all very fast paced, my weekend.

Actually most of my weekends are quite interesting lately.  Which, as of yesterday, I now find myself signed up for another 5k run within a month.  Oh why not, let’s do it!  Anyway, I invite you to keep up, start your engines and grind your gears into motion!


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Rocks, paper, emergency scissors

So the knotty guy and I have a small rope group we seemed to have got going that is managing to bring out inquisitive kinksters and touch a few folks.  I’m not really sure how I managed to get involved, I mainly went to support my guy and enjoy one of the best decaf soy lattes I’ve ever had in the USA.

I found this note in my inbox this morning.  “Hey! I just wanted to say thank you so much for performing for us last night, you ROCK!!!!” -Jess

First off, I thanked her.  Then I mentioned it was hardly a performance compared to what I’ve seen, but thanked her for thinking such.  I thought I was just demonstrating a box tie (but I did start spacing and asked for a bit of pain the rest is a bit of a blur)  I like pressure point agony pain.  It’s blindingly lovely!  Anyway I do recall clapping in the end and that was my cue to realize I lived and to get off stage.  It’s warm when your on stage.

Our class is about 3 hours long and I sort of help move things along with the knotty guy goes on in manspeak lingo about millimeters and rope lay’s and yarn types.  (Most women don’t really care during an introductory to rope class) This particular class was all women.  There is a female rigger shortage, I’m actually even eying that opportunity.  (No idea if I’ll be able to do that one step at a time here first).

We break off into groups and practice on eachother, some write down notes and why knot. (pardon the pun) I think what I’m absolutely not prepared for are the barrage of questions about the lifestyle.  So I’ll take that time to listen and, for some reason, I have a plethora of quotes I’ve managed to memorize and fall back on when I’m faced with a difficult situation or decisions.  So I’m able to pass those on to others for reflection.  Let’s face it, you can’t fix people or situations, so best not try.  We’re all on our own journey, which I remind many, when they ask me for advise.  I don’t think I realized up until now that I really am knowledgable regarding BDSM.  

I also don’t see myself as some performer person, but I’m most happy to demonstrate scenarios, really all for the sake of someone learning a technique or safety measure.  What to NOT do and why. So you will not generally see me on stage, or in a mass photo spread of, me up, for all over the world to see (yet, anyway).  I don’t need nor want that sort of attention.   However I am a passionate person, this I cannot deny.  So stuff manages to happen, all within minutes that seem completely natural and I go with it.  When I’m not being called by my scene name, the more seasoned community members have taken it upon themselves to call me, Trouble.  So…I just fire back with “and that’s with a capitol T, thanks.”  No need to write that down.  So…never say never.

I’m absolutely thrilled that I’ve assisted in helping someone learn, just a little more regarding safety and education in rope and in BDSM.  This makes my day, it’s what makes it all rewarding.  It’s unexpected as I really don’t look for such accolades.  This is all very humbling, as well, because I’ve seen a LOT and done a LOT in this lifestyle.  What makes it a bit more “normal” or average for me, may be abit daunting if not stunning to someone else.  I was reminded of this last night and really realized how far I have come.  I’m so excited about what’s on the horizon.

This lifestyle rocks!

Try, triumph and umph


Infinity (symbol: \infty) is an abstract concept describing something without any limit and is relevant in a number of fields, predominantly mathematics and physics. The English word infinity derives from Latin infinitas, meaning “being without finish”, and which can be translated as “unboundedness”, itself calqued from the Greek word apeiros, meaning “endless”.

This necklace was given to me by my daughter.  I’ve done…something wonderful with that teen.  I’m so proud to be her mother.  I love children.  I’ve always wanted more, only it seemed I was unable to have them.  So I enjoy everyone else’s.

What I’ve learned from this weekend?  1) Never do power yoga after running 3 miles the same day.  2) A day of rest is very difficult for me.  3) I’m no longer emotionally numb.  4) I don’t need any man, or anyone to complete me.  I just need to find happiness within myself and radiate that.  If men or women or friends or people or kids happen to be affected by it, that’s fine.  I’m not going out of my way to complicate my life, I do that enough on my own.  5) I really like 5k races, it’s the outdoor conditions I’ve trouble with.  (ex: excessive humidity, bbq grilling, vehicle exhaust fumes.  My lungs don’t like those. and it may make my breathing erratic and my eyes bug out of my head trying to catch my breath.

So I’ve read a quote that really helped quiet my mind as I was getting ready for my first race in nearly 2 and a half years. “Comparison is the thief of joy” ~ Theodore Roosevelt.  I saw all these amazing women, in all shapes and sizes with serious muscles, with lean muscles, with giant dual strollers that ran (some walked) in the race I ran (early Mother’s day morning) with my daughter.   It’s like the flash dance scene where the character Alex was going to the dance company just to pick up an application for an audition. You see all these amazing talented beings that are very overwhelming and visually stunning.  What sets them apart from you?  Nothing really, besides your determination.

Once I started running all that stuff fell away from my mind.  Eventually my shin splints began screaming at me through my headphones.  “Why why whyeee did you do power yoga the same day you ran 3 miles??!  and What is the proper way to stretch a calf in on the very front shin of your leg?!?! and Why the devil are we running up this big hill?” and Who puts a toddler riding a bicycle in a race and why is he speeding past me?”  There will always be people better than you.   So why even bother?  Lots of reasons.  Insanity, probably but realistically it’s for your own peace of mind.  A notch in your belt perhaps and a reason to smile on the inside knowing what you’re capable of, additionally, you’re stubborn enough to do it again.

I’ve also realized that many of the smaller races are free for all’s.  You can’t have restrictions on not allowing things…like animals or someone dressed as a clown, women in tutu’s, men in tights, nearly naked college athletes (those make me run after them much faster) then there’s the one blind person being lead by a seeing person which was absolutely moving to see, and furthermore very very very old people running just completely thrills me.  Granted the larger the entrance fee the less likely you are going to have families of dual bike strollers with joggers in front of them.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it actually gets you out of your mindset for a few seconds to figure out how to out maneuver someone and not end up tripping  over your own feet in the process.  For now I can’t say I’ll run a half marathon….however I’m eyeing a 10k someday.  I’ve got some neat calf muscles now.  Anyway a little something to strive for, inch by inch and little by little, I’ll get there.  So will you, in anything you set your mind to!

My homage to my late Mother, and Mother’s all over the globe

So…you’ve been gone 19 years, Mom. You’re always with me, still. I see your creativity in your grand baby you’ve never met, who’s now a stunning teen. You’ve taught me compassion and strength. Which has now been passed on to all I meet. So our run tomorrow benefits those in need. Our tribute to you.

This goes out to all my friends who’s mothers left this world too soon. Honor your Mothers by becoming the best human being you can.


In exactly….1 month and 8 days I’ve gone from barely fully running 1 mile (and walking two miles) to running fully 3 miles. My time averaging per mile…is 9 minutes 50 seconds. I’m not speedy, but I’m running fully; I’m beyond elated. Only in competition with myself, I feel it’s comparison is much as if I’m in a slow motion video game. I suck at playing those, so I opt out. Incidentally I hate treadmills. So I’ve not run in 2 years, due to a silly fall in two 1/2″ sandals mid-day, of all things, that left me with hip bursitis. I’m not stopping. Relay for life is next week. I’ve another 5k scheduled in June.

I’d like to thank the Beastie Boys for keeping me company.

Subdrop, different strokes for different folks


Can someone just come over here and throw a bucket of ice cold water on my head?

Yeah, it feels like you need that doesn’t it? Its weird…but it does (at least for me) feel like you need a good head clearing.  A fantastic hair yanking grab and a lust filled embrace or, if he’s not around, at least to lay in a bath of ice water just to clear your racing thoughts…

As a masochist sometimes the drop, for me, is a physical reaction to ongoing pain – when I’m not in sub drop, I love the pain and marks/accidental bruises. When I’ve dropped, the pain becomes unpleasant, and I want to curl up and hide from the world much like any injured animal would to keep itself safe from predators and recover. It works, but crawling into a lonely cave isn’t exactly a fantastic place to be until the chemicals sort themselves out over the next few days.  You want to become one with your mattress, but really you must get yourself moving. 

I’m fortunate to meet a lot of professional people in this lifestyle, and the events I’ve attended has allowed me to interact a lot with so many amazing people with tremendous talent.  In speaking candidly with some serious BDSM professional porn subs and submissive models in the industry, these ladies all agree, you need to do the exact opposite of what you feel you want to do.  Eat for fuel, add protein shakes, these women have had serious play sessions, then had to hop onto a plane to the next venue, or to an event across the globe.  You’re capable, you know, and your body can take a lot, it’s your mind you need to convince otherwise.   I suppose if you think of soldiers that have had to forge on, in-between battles…they don’t sit around and sulk.  They needed to get moving or they might get overtaken by the enemy.

Since I’m not a jetsetting bdsm model or attending private professional play parties, I take what they had to say and applied it to my life.  I force myself to go outside for walks, or hitting the gym is always nice. (even if you’re not doing your usual best). A leisurely bath taken is fine, time out for me of course, someone wake me up if I fall asleep.  Eating healthy and savoring what you eat helps you feel nourished and allows your body to replenish necessary nutrients lost in a riot of hard play session.  (Preparing that meal may be a bit scatter brained and frustrating, best attempt that with a partner).  Additionally, I also find that I like attacking my own bruises and adding orgasms to them is tremendously helpful!  It gives me more endorphins, it re-associated my pain with something pleasant.

Fantastic article on the subject of sub drop.

Munching and time management mayhem

My munch I manage was really successful last night! I think the entire reason I’m in this lifestyle is entirely, to meet kinksters; educate and give them safe places to go to that are in the local and community (far and wide), connecting people to people. Talking, listening and allowing new folks I meet, to ask questions about BDSM; I don’t give them the ultimatum or say YOU MUST ATTEND SUCH AND SUCH and meet so and so. With the proper information passed on, these folks can use those tools to use as they like.

Meanwhile trying to snap out of subdrop has been something I’m tackling. It’s gotten much faster…only I find I tend to be really discombobulated. To a point its laughable at least, even to myself. It’s also annoying. Jumping back into the gym does help me cope. The energy exchanged between two people who play is really astounding. I really opt out of Domming (but mentally I wonder if that would be the easy way out) Because being a submissive is challenging for me, I MUST explore it.

I’m finding it challenging, still, juggling my time between social media inbox questions, fet emails, home management, rope business marketing venues up and coming, rope orders and processing and events coming up, then there’s my vanilla life and oh yes, Mothers day is coming and I have a 5k to run in honor of my late Mother. In there I still manage to find time for myself, I make it, of course, and that is what makes it all worthwhile. I’m thankful to be busy. Gratitude humbles us when only stop to think of what we have to really be thankful for, and whom we connect with in our lives that impact our hearts.