Sometimes I have far too much to write about. Breaking down the categories into subcategories can take a few days. For now, I’ll just go with the flow and whatever spews from my mind will end up here.
I plowed through my birthday yesterday. This can take a bit of mental preparation. I think, when your mother passes away (it’s been 19 years) you sort of fall into this mind set of “why bother?” It’s really weird having the person that co-created you not be around to celebrate your life. I mean there was a time for about 10 years I just had my small cake say “happy day!” and I would unplug. I wouldn’t answer my phone and I’d spent the day in nature some place finding my happy place, healing. Unfortunately (or fortunately) when you have a child, they sort of end up doing things for you unexpectedly. Which opens your heart, of course. To this day that type of thing still stuns me.
I am completely humbled this day. Eventually, you learn to celebrate your own life on the day you were born. The first on the left is from my knot knormal man. The right is from my Starfire teen. I’m not sure what I do to deserve these people I inhabit a home with, but I cannot imagine my life without them. When I love, and give my heart, it’s unconditionally. We may not always see eye to eye, I may have serious qualms about our relationship, I may try to redirect you into seeing other people instead of me, but in the end all I really want is for someone to hang on tight and never let go. These two have never let go of me. For that, I’m thankful. Surely that’s what we all want in life? Someone to open up to and hold tight with. Exploring worm holes and knots and kinks and leaps and jumps and perils and stuggle’s and pitfalls. Obviously this can go very bad if you’re in a destructive relationship, one that takes instead of gives or drags instead of lifts. Expressing yourselves fully, and emotionally can make a huge difference in your relationships. Ask and ye shall receive.
So I didn’t shut off my phone or anything yesterday I just went about my business as usual. I don’t like a lot of ceremonial type of hype when it comes to me. This really makes me squirm. I don’t think I was prepared for the inundation of emails and facebook in-boxes and wall wishes (alt fb especially). I just hit the gym (ok maybe harder than normal). Yet hurtfully and longingly missing that one wish from that one man that will forever have a piece of me, my Master.
He’s gone quiet this year. Probably by choice or stubborn will, no idea. Retreating into the pit of despair or into his self preservation mode. Or perhaps out of his own “man-bro-boy” code. Or over thinking “I’m better off without him or him without me”. Mmm. yes, well how is that going for you? I’m lucky to be alive if you ask me. I’m not replacing him. I never will. (yes yes, I know I was in love with two different men but hey….it happened). I cannot make it unhappen, I’m glad it all happened. I just wish it wouldn’t exactly need to end because I was never planning an ending. I’m not going to obsess, I’m going to just keep moving and hope my heart catches up with my head and vice versa.
Anyway, I recently have been reading much about leadership and characteristics of stubborn will. Apparently being stubborn is a trait of insecurity. I’m trying to wrap my head around this because I had a fiercely stubborn Scotch Irish granny that was immensely stubborn! (I looked up to her, additionally she was the only person who could identify with me and handle me). See I’m stubborn too and now I need to explore that, stubborn stuff is a form of insecurity?!! Say it isn’t so! There’s good things about being stubborn! Yes there is I tell you. The stubborn are very interesting people! I mean I’m always open to change, really I am. When it comes to change, I may be resistant but I’m open to hear new points and views and adjust accordingly.
Does this make how we live our lives and our belief system stubborn behavior? That’s why I’m not sure I get it. I’m convinced that being stubborn however, with reason, is a very good thing. If you are able to hold your own against others who claim to be masters of manipulation and debate, then it is a good thing. Yet, it can also be a problem when dealing with authority figure or medical emergencies.
Interesting article here (and there are several on this topic) I thought I’d share.
Growing and adaptation and learning is key, no matter how little we do it. Just don’t resist it and you’ll be fine. My two cents anyway.