The “Four hour body, an uncommon guide” book I’d listening to while I work singing rope….has me thinking. (knotknormal.com) Primarily is that it takes something to seriously set us off in order to make a change. A Harajuku moment it’s called….basically this the moment where something nice to have becomes something you can’t live without.
Obviously I had one last year a week after my starfire teen’s birthday. It went beyond depression. Went beyond my not having my Master in my life. It went beyond my divorcing and attempts at striving. My brother whom I’d helped (and kicked out of the nest) wouldn’t talk to me (of course he wouldn’t) I was a horrible sister, how could I! When, really, it’s his own actions and fault…(luckily he’s been on his own since but still…my personal actions and words stung him).
So when you don’t have a mom, as she’s long passed away, as an older sister you become “Mom”. He’s turned thirty now he should be on his way to finding his bearings. My sister got a bit strange on me too and said our visit left her with a funny taste in her mouth. She needed to distance herself from me. (which was news to us three who drove 17 hours to hang out, you know after 6 years). Nevermind my sister and I have always always always had a strange relationship, She’d conveniently take my panties and never return them when we lived together long ago. (I had really cool panties). Top that off all the jobs I’d applied for just were not really coming into anything…then I’d gotten terrible food poison. A blood and kidney infection resulted. I’d lost hope.. I’d lost my sense of self and I knew I was far more capable…
Only then could I decide to make a drastic change. No one told me to. No one pointed me in any direction. I haven’t stopped moving ever since. I said “fuck it and fuck everyone and the horse they rode in on”. I figured after I blew up and came back together…if I came back together, whoever still managed to be about….would, indeed, be about.
What I didn’t quite prepare for is that I’ve gotten a strange following of people who not only left at some point but doubted me (on my nila side anyway) so not only do I seem to have their appreciation but others who’s seemed to look to me now….for some sort of “I’ll have what she’s having.”
The thing is…again, I can only do so much for people. It’s work and it’s not easy and it is messy and you will move two steps forward but fall down and take three steps back. The thing is you can’t stop moving. Not for one minute. (you *can* take a few hours max to nap) There’s no time for not moving …There’s a ton of life ~ in life. It’s meant to be lived and explored not wasted. I still have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m headed but I’m not stopping.