Famous last words…

The psychology of the D/s-/M/s headspace astounds me. Especailly it’s impact on MY brain! Why did I go down this sub path again???

So I’ve been in “Dom” mode for a bit (a bit could mean months and I care not to discuss how long however I’m AWARE of this!). Actually, I’m a Dominant in my daily life all the time and I suppose what I’m trying to say is I haven’t hit subspace in a bit or gotten into a head space where I need to tap into my subbytart role. Stuff builds up I notice…and I can’t let it go alone. (I find this is why I crave to let go and what transpires when I do may result in; shaking, shuddering and crying and release basically and I’m NOT talking about orgasms). I empty out everything.  Sure I could go take another hot yoga class…but that…is not what I really crave. I’m a bit of a masochist so I crave…something entirely different.

I need to slink into sub mode for starters.  Which really is very much a mental exercise for me. Bdsm IS 75% mental afterall. This is NOT an easy switch for me to do (aka why I’m not a switch). This begins…by my putting my sub self on my to do list.  *Don’t forget* think like a sub today!  I generally get into sub mode for a Bdsm event or accidentally by something my Dominant or Master suggests. Naturally I fight that off but the seed has been planted by then. I cannot …deny a direct order or direct statement. Which is fucking annoying!   Oddest thing I’ll notice that too when my Dominant tends to give me a casual command/order (aka something he needs done) and I find I’ve done it. Just off the cuff, FUCK! That slipped right by me! My that was effective…I need this sub side to tap into see so I can teach objectively.  Without being slanted to one side.  (yin and yang okay) My job when I teach is NOT to recruit people.  It’s merely to let them know about our lifestyle it’s their choice if they wish to pursue it further (and if my passion for it happens to eeek out while I’m teaching that isn’t my fault…that’s my subby tart side saying “it’s okay to play, if you play with someone you trust they will keep you safe” – You can come out now!)

So when I began my journey well over two decades ago, I was arguing with a man who, eventualy, won my heart.  So…in the initial stages of “Do I get involved” stuff was tricky.  Lots of negotiations really based on do I don’t I take things further.  (basically he was trying to get me to go out with him on a more permanent basis). I simply argued “I just don’t wanna be tied down” (never go down without a good fight, I say. Hell I analyse everything so be prepared to have a very good debate when dealing with me making any decision based on any romantic involvement you dare to try to have with me.) This was before I knew I was into Bdsm, I just felt any involvement with anyone was going to distract me. Anyway his immediate response was “I’m not into bondage.”

Right. Well…okay if you say so.
Fast forward twenty something years…. with this same mancover2
Model: Trillium, Rigger: Knotknormal, Photographer: Tsmobscura  (hey…that’s ME!)
Rope by: knotknormal.com – shibari rope shop

This may give you insight into my soul (or give me insight into …my stubborn nature) With time anything is possible, but ONLY if you’re persistent enough.


How can you not be affected?


Sending much hope, courage and light to the families of the victims of the attack in France.  This part of civilisation really sucks.  How are we to evolve?  Why do senseless acts of violence need to occur? How can we help?  Questions I’m sure more than millions are asking.  I suppose being thankful for where we are is a start, yet we still have much further to go.  So we battle to get somewhere…based on where we are in our lives…who we believe in, to be heard, to change something.

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate…Returning violence for violence multiples violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness;only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: Only love can do that.”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.


who’s there?
Butch, Jimmy, and Joe.
Butch, Jimmy, and Joe who?
Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a big hot kiss, and let’s Joe!

That’s right and don’t forget it!  I’m BACK and yep it’s been awhile (which happens) I get pulled in a load of directions so I have to pull focus elsewhere.  Yet…my kink side has been coming back into focus fully so here I am, sharing!

First off the BDSM 101 class I taught last June was a roaring success.  Actually, I had such fun I lost track of time.  (I only had a 15 page outline to cover…) I think what stunned me most were the responses I had in messages days later thanking me for getting some folks who were ready to jump into the scene from point A. to point B. (where they needed to be) safely.  I’ve been hooked ever since teaching something here or there monthly!

I’d also have to say this has been a transformative year for me in a teaching capacity.  One I’d not expected to actually impact not only my levels of confidence but my ablility to be humbled and surprised by people.  Fortunately I keep it real there and choose not to let my ego become larger than life.  I’ve also fallen into studying philosophical Taoism while I am working on the rope business stuff.

It’s funny how things come together.  When you let go of chasing after something and you think your headed in one direction you suddenly find yourself swimming against a current!  Letting things happen, going with the flow and then acting upon these happenings, positively, make for a more enriching experience!

I’ve now been teaching yoga (and other fitness classes) for a year.  I dislike calling myself a yogi, as I consider myself to always be a student of life.  I’ve launched a fitness business, and it’s one I control in terms of how much I can offer class wise, my time invested and how badly I need to busy myself.  Being busy is a good thing…it keeps us out of trouble.  Yet it can also be bad when you are so busy you realize you no longer really take any time away from life and the last vacation you had was over 9 years ago.

So, for me, teaching BDSM classes I find I feel rather fullfilled in a way I’ve never thought was imaginable.  I’m at an age where there’s this midlife factor and yes I’ve thought of all sorts of scenarios in terms of where I’d like to head in life and if I’d like to perhaps add more children to my tiny little family.  Travel?  Settle down?  (Can I settle down??) I’ve had a lot to reflect on including a small detour I took down a polyamorous path that tasted funny and literally rubbed my conscious the wrong way so I opted out! (YAY, me!)

What can I see myself doing in 10 years basically.  I like goals.  They taste good…  One thing I DO know is that I cannot seem to stop exploring this lifestyle in life.  I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge especially in all things related to BDSM.  Much like teaching a sequence of poses in yoga, you focus on one area…yet you’ll find when you go back to exploring, say on the floor vs. standing postures you’re a bit shaky and weaker, and cannot stretch as far.  I think BDSM is like that too!   (Perhaps life is like that if you bend and flex enough).  You have to get out of your comfort zone to do such things of course.  Often our thoughts revolve around our little world we create and it’s inhabitants.  Family, work and “me” time type of stuff that’s an endless cycle and circle of the same nonsense.  WE have it within ourselves to explore and think about everything!  Why do we keep thinking about our Parents or Uncle Tim’s wife or our sister not calling weekly?!

My new mantra for the year “Not my circus, not my monkey’s”. (feel free to borrow and share).  When we let go and hop off the merry-go-round and take time out for ourselves we can see better!  How does one begin?  By doing something you love…for yourself.  That’s it, all you need to do to begin.  I’m not talking about deciding to sing in your car…but go join an art class or dance class or choir!  Meeting new people and taking time to do something we enjoy allow us to become inspired.  Of course if you are not feeling like being social getting out for a walk is a great way to begin. (small steps of course) Just be warned…it’s very exciting when you do head out into to the unknown.  As much as it can be frustrating it’s very exhilarating (and scary and fun) but since it’s something you love you’ll be fine.  You really will!
Ready?  set…..