How did I know I was a Domme? Funny thing happened on the commute home from work one day…(23 years ago about this time of year, actually). I heard this song on the radio… NIN, Closer.
Now do know I don’t go around obsessing on memories or thoughts or all that. (Some of us are far too busy for that sort of stuff). The thing as you get older is that no one prepares you for flash thoughts or instant memories you completely forgot were there. This is often triggered by a smell or a sound…or a sight.. So…as I was driving today, and this song just flew onto the radio. (which I’ve forgotten was in my play list for working out for a few years). *turns it to eleven* What it did was transport me. I forgot the heat, I forgot the year, I didn’t feel the sweat on my skin, I forgot my problems, I forgot my goals, and I just ….became the music. I’m certain you may relate.
So at that particular time I was in full withdrawl from my recent…er…incident with rope when I was 21 (without a safe word that left me a bit…frozen in time, for about 16 years). No no no! NOT from sex. From submitting 🙂 So what did I do about it? I dove into the BDSM world through books. Beyond Masters and Johnson and that joy and new of sex books. Exploring…Sexual Deviance, Deviant Behavior, the story of O, The Sleeping Beauty Trilogies (to name a few). This helped me cope while my mother (whom was battling the mother of all battles…her very mind and, eventually, lost this battle within a few months).
Anyway to stay on topic…I was also venturing downtown Chicago to the “house of whacks” a fetish/latex shop and expressing an interest in dripping candle wax on my husband. I just took over everything! Especially things in the bedroom. Blindfolds, saran wrap…handcuffs…rope…and I wanted to do more. More harm. I wanted to inflict pain and prolong his pleasure (for not just hours on end ….but days). Nevermind my wardrobe became a bit darker in color. I took over everything in my life. That particular year I asked for 3 raises and got them. I stopped taking shit. I gave orders and I ruled my kingdom. I was unable to feel humiliated when there was a mix up at the video store and the clerks forgot to give me my gay/bdsm porn that I’d just rented. (at the time my husband traveled extensively). I owned up to the fact that I enjoyed watching people…and that I was very much into self pleasure. I also got my first belly button piercing 😀
Dominatrix is a strong word…Tho I don’t recommend becoming an executrix of your grandfathers will by age 27, I do recommend exploring your inherent nature. I didn’t know I was an alpha female..not until I was in my 30’s. whoops…